Roll Up, Roll Up. The Circus is in Town!

For those of you who have found yourself inexplicably single and venturing into online dating in your 40’s, I applaud you!

For those of you who are in your late teens, early 20’s and realising that this is the way 90% of the population meet now, I pity you (insert weeping emoji here!)

Give me an awkward but sweet meet-cute in a bar, the library or even a supermarket over the avocados instead of the inexplicable horror of a dating site.

Where do you even begin and what do you do to avoid the possibility of catfishing, weirdos, stalkers or even complete nutters responsible for someone’s death.

Just in case you’re curious, I have experienced all four in the last 12 months, so I am a girl who is talking from way too much experience!

All that experience has shut it down for me for a short while but here are just a few of the things I learned while I was on there.

It all starts with figuring out which site to use and how many you should be on. I say this because in my experience, the vast majority of people like to raise their chances and hedge their bets across a few different sites. That way you are hopefully giving yourself a better opportunity of finding someone, but heed my warning people, you are also opening yourself up to way more crazy!

You then have to decide if it's worth paying the extortionate fees they charge to find love, or better to just go with the free package and keep those fingers crossed that your path will cross with Prince Charming in amongst a whole host of frogs! (Did I really just say that?)

Once the site is picked, you have to put a profile together. It's like interviewing for a job!

The trauma involved in trying to represent yourself in a truthful way whilst still being a little bit sassy and a little bit sexy is real folks!

How much information is too much? What type of information should you share?

Should you fluff? (I would say a big no to that one – just be yourself and you cannot go wrong).

And then....... horror of horrors....... adding the pictures!

So, for those of you who may be beginning this journey, here are a few tips. Blokes, take heed. This goes for you too! 😉

DO NOT do the duck pout. It's not sexy ladies and you just end up looking stupid!

Please, please, please, I beg you, DO NOT stick your tongue out if you’re over the age of 6. (And if you aren’t, what the hell are you doing on Tinder!)

I have lost count of the amount of 40 something men, (and older incidentally), that I have swiped left on because they are sticking out their tongue. It not cool, it’s not sexy and it just makes you look a little sad to be honest!

DO make sure all the pictures you use are recent and avoid the filters.

Yes, it should be based on personality, but I have been on two dates over the last 12 months where it turned out that the pictures were at least 10 years old, and the gentleman in question didn’t look remotely like their photos.

It's not just about the way you look, but more about finding yourself asking the question, if they are lying about something as fundamental as this, what else are they lying about.

That’s a very rocky foundation to start anything on, and in this type of situation, it's important that you represent yourself accurately otherwise what is the point in any of it?

ALWAYS write a short bio. I always swipe left on people who don’t have one. It doesn’t have to be War and Peace but something light-hearted and fun is always nice to read. Don’t be a dick though.

We all know online dating is tough, but you don’t need to bitch about the opposite sex because it hasn’t worked out for you yet. Major turn off.

BE HONEST about what you want. If its just a fling, say that.

Time is precious and I have wasted far too much of it on talking to people who say they want a relationship when in actuality, they just want to do the horizontal tango, no strings attached.

If thats your jam, that's fine - just be honest about it!

So, your profile is done and you're sitting there with your finger hovering over the button that will make it active, and hopefully, fingers, toes and everything else crossed, bring Henry Cavill into your life, or is that just me!

Here are a few more do's and don'ts from an unwilling master of the online dating circuit because the brutal truth ladybugs and gentlefolks, is that online dating can be coarse, savage and merciless.

It’s a cattle market of epic proportions!

Dick pics, sexual innuendo, blatant misogyny - and that can be all in the first five sentences! Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott would be horrified.

(Ladies, for those of you who don't know your feminist history, here's a link for you to educate yourselves. Please do!)

https://interactive.unwomen.org/multimedia/timeline/womenunite/en/index.html?gclid=CjwKCAjw-KipBhBtEiwAWjgwrAcf6gskrGctSMj4ixjsfpeN7voO_0Xx_J8AaHGCEoYy57IIhof4-BoCcuwQAvD_BwE#/

Whilst I don't always agree with the toxicity of third wave feminism, (that is a whole other article, or maybe even a series of them), for some reason, on a dating site the feminist movement has stepped right back to the era of men believing they can say and share what they like with no respect for the woman or her feelings.

Fellas, an unsolicited dick pic is not welcome and some would say, it could be considered a form of sexual abuse.

For me, its an instant block but thats because I don't worry about upsetting the person on the other side of the screen who thought it was appropriate to send that, regardless of how I felt. Some ladies are not quite so quick to do that because they worry about how it looks.

Don't worry!

If he has to send his dick to get your attention then he deserves everything he gets and isn't worth the screen he is cyber flashing on.

Boys, I apologise if this is one sided. I can only speak from a female perspective. I have no doubt at all that this is something men experience with women as well and on behalf of the decent women out there, I can only apologise for that. It may not feel like it sometimes, but honestly, there are some good eggs still around!

The rest of you.......

Be Ashamed. Be Very Ashamed!!!

The old adage, honesty is the best policy couldn't ring more true than what it does with online dating.

We have all been spoon fed a Hollywood idea of how it should be and the harsh reality is that life doesn't work like that.

Love is messy, painful, difficult and full of agony but its also honest, warm, tender and passionate, and when you work everyday at it, it can be the most fulfilling thing you ever experience.

Be unapologetically you from the start.

Be honest about who you are and what your expectations are.

Be honest about what you want and need from someone you're bringing into your life.

Recognise your value and don't allow anyone else to devalue you in anyones eyes, most importantly your own.

Only bring in those people who deserve to be part of your life. If they begin by pushing the boundaries you have put in place then chances are, they are always going to do that, and do you know what - you are worth so much more.

It's better to be on your own than with someone who will not love you the way you deserve and want to be loved.

Always think safety. If anything feels wrong, then step away. Listen to that quiet little voice inside you because that quiet little voice is there to protect you.

I know this better than most after arranging to meet someone for a date. On talking to him a little more, there was something that just didn't feel right at all. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I listened to it and I cancelled the date. We kept in touch for a couple of weeks, and then a couple of weeks ago, I had some friends over who had asked about him. I explained and one of them suggested googling his name.

It turns out that this person had killed someone whilst having sex with them. Rough sex gone wrong was essentially the verdict. For the murder of a young mum of two, he only served a couple of years and is now back on dating sites.

Moral of the story - when your gut tells you something doesn't feel right, listen to it!

If you get uncomfortable or don't like the tone of the conversation, shut it down. Unfortunately, there is a degree of insidiousness about talking over a messaging service that makes it feel like you can't just block someone. Its intrusive and can get to you within every aspect of your life which gives that tool you use for chatting, an unimaginable amount of power over the decisions that you make.

Think of it this way. If you were out on a date with this person, and this was going on, would you stay or would you make your excuses and leave.

This is the point where ghosting is actually okay, but generally that is frowned upon, and with good reason.

Don't Ghost unless of course they have given you good reason to. Its a dick move people!

If you aren't feeling it, just be honest. Its the right thing to do. Online dating holds enough trauma without the addition of ghosting!

I have horror story after horror story from the last 12 months of online dating, but scattered in amongst the dick pics, (double digits people), sexual deviants, narcissists, stalkers and total nutters, there have actually been one or two really decent men. Unfortunately, the chemistry wasn't quite right, but it leaves me confident that there is someone out there for me and when the universe deems it right, we will be brought together, but in the meantime, I am just going to enjoy the journey!

Until next time.......