The Insidious Culture of the Incel and What You Need To Look Out For

For those of you who follow me on facebook, you will most likely have seen my vlog post on Thursday touching briefly on the topic of Incel culture.

If you haven't, don't worry. I shall not take it personally! Hmph!

All joking aside though, I am taking a slightly different turn today to usual because after watching Adolescence on Netflix, it has left some grave concerns. Its choice of topic is so apt for todays world and our children growing up in it, and I think its something that we all need to be aware of and talk about much more openly if it is ever to be stopped.

For those of you who haven't watched it, even if you don't have children - please, please do. This is toxic masculinity at its most deadly and it doesn't just impact children and teens.

The show very cleverly covers not just the dangers of the internet, bullying, toxic masculinity, violence and the very worrying trend towards knife crime, but it also looks at the aftermath. The impact on the innocent parties - the families, the friends, the school, and the process of trying to understand what and how this heinous act has come to pass.

I won't lie, its a difficult watch but it is absolutely necessary that you do, especially if you have children because this is happening under our noses, and numbers are growing every single day.

Although the Incel culture has actually been around for quite a while, its remained mainly underground and has not been something that has been discussed openly really until this show came out.

If you are not familiar with it, it goes by the 80/20 rule which suggests that women will only be attracted to 20% of men, leaving the other 80 alone.

The basis behind this lies in genetics and the belief that there are certain markers to which women will be drawn. If you don't exhibit those specific markers, then you will naturally slip into the world of involuntary celibacy or 'InCel'.

The movement itself started in what is known as the manosphere - an online movement of men who carried very negative and destructive views of women as a whole and has three very rigid levels.

The 'Alpha or Chads' who sit at the top are believed to be in the minority, and are the ones who will essentially have their pick of the women. Genetics have gifted them in such a way that this will always be the case.

The next level are the 'Normies'. These are your standard, everyday men who shouldn't have too much trouble romantically, but they don't share the genetic advantages that the alpha group have.

Then there are the 'InCel's.'

The InCel's sit at the bottom, although in their warped version of the world, despite believing women will never be attracted to them, they still believe that they sit above women in the pecking order.

Using names to dehumanise women such as Femoids or FHO's , (female humanoid organism), they categorise women into two separate categories.

This justifies their belief that women are stupid, shallow, evil and are only good for one thing - sex.

The categories the use are the Stacey and the Becky.

Unless you are an Alpha/Chad - these women are believed to be unattainable.

https://www.vox.com/2018/4/28/17290256/incel-chad-stacy-becky

These words have been taken directly from men who are InCel's, and give a very worrying insight into their thinking.

For them, the world was a much better place when society was patriarchal. Women married and lived for their husbands and their children, quietly and contently - cooking, cleaning and having sex with their husbands whenever sex was wanted.

There was no risk of their 'woman' sleeping with anyone else because 'women didn't do that back then', but for men, they could sleep with whomever they wanted. After all, a woman's sole purpose in life, no matter what category she falls into is to please men.

Obviously, this is a very warped reality that InCel's crave, and the fact that this is unlikely to ever be possible leads to anger, frustration, violence and in extreme cases - death.

So, now that I have put the fear of God into you all, as parents and people - what can we watch out for with our sons and young men and how do we protect our daughters and young women from this toxic and very dangerous form of misogyny.

For me, I believe it starts with understanding todays world a little better. Our children are living online.

If you guys are anything like me, you probably hate it as much as I do, but I suspect a large part of that also stems from a lack of understanding even with the basics of what they seem to be able to work with so easily.

My generation straddles both worlds. We grew up without it, but we were also still young enough when it was introduced that it didn't create the same level of problems that it has for the older generations.

Let me be the first one to say, I do love it.

Its made the world smaller. Its opened up so much and there is a wealth of knowledge at your fingertips - although I still love the feel of a book and a sit in the library from time to time!

The problem is, with that level of information so readily available and no real policing available due to its vastness, the internet is also a huge danger, especially to children who lack life experience and understanding.

Its insidious nature makes it almost impossible to step away from and no matter where you are, if someone wants to attack you, the internet allows them to do so, making things like bullying so much worse and so much more immediate.

Along with the internet and the kids, a whole new language of symbols and codes has arisen.

As an oldie, I came across an awful lot of symbols when I was online dating and had to ask my oldest what they meant. Let me tell you, I did a lot of blushing when he ran me through it!

The thing is, as parents, we have a responsibility to check in with what our kids are looking at online. We have a responsibility to pick up on messages that they are receiving from so called friends, and whilst they may hate that feeling of invasion, checking up every once in a while could save their lives, or someone elses.

So, as an emoji novice, after realising how many were on the boys phone in Adolescence that as a parent I would not have understood, I did a bit of digging and came across an article that takes you through everything.

Please familiarise yourselves with them musers. This is a dangerous and destructive world and his situation didn't just stem from the InCel culture. It stemmed from bullying through his phone and I truly believe that is the most insidious and dangerous type of bullying there is and poses the biggest risk for our young people.

We cannot protect out kids from everything and because of the way the world is going, an understanding of technology is vital for them. What we can do is work to create an open dialogue that will allow them to feel like they can talk about what they see online or come to you if they are worried.

• Ask them questions - If you don't understand, ask them about it in a way that implies curiosity rather than mistrust. Ask them who they follow online and why and what they are learning from those people.

• Don't Judge - They won't talk if they feel there will be judgement or consequences so just listen. Let them open up and let them explain their thinking to you.

• Teach them critical thinking - Encourage them to always ask questions about everything they come across. Encourage them to try and develoop an understanding of where these type of ideologies actually stem from and try and understand why they feel they want to explore them.

• Monitor Openly - Don't Spy - Online monitoring, especially in today's world is something that we should all be doing as parents. This should be the norm for our children and not something that we impose upon them out of panic.

• Talk Honestly About Online Manipulation - Grooming online is a huge risk, especially for children and teens in vulnerable emotional situations. For toxic and dangerous online groups, making children feel like they understand them in a way their parents don't, or making them feel special gives them a way in to the child's trust and can lead to radicalisation.

• There Is A Big Wide World to Explore - Building their confidence in the real world is so important. For kids brought up since the introduction of the internet within their homes, living online has become the norm. They struggle to socialise and this leads to them feeling nervous, uncomfortable, undervalued and low in confidence. Building up confidence, making them feel valued outside of their online world all works towards keeping them safe and preventing them from seeking validation online.

It's a scary world that we live in at the moment and as a parent, knowing how much privacy to give, and how much checking we should be doing is difficult.

The thing is, its not about being your kids friend. Its about protecting them from these types of people and making sure that the way they use the internet is safe for them, and by extension - everyone else as well.

I don't know the best way of doing that but I do know, our young people need us to be strong and parent them the best way we can more than they ever did. I can only hope that an open dialogue will continue to build around the dangers of online groups, and in doing so, those children who may have got involved in something sinister can be stopped before its too late.

Until next time.......