When Christmas Isn't Full of Cheer.

This Christmas has been a difficult one.

This blog is not about courting sympathy or pity but about sharing something that I have come to realise comes to all of us at some point in our lives whether we are ready for it or not and that is that at some point, Christmas will be spent alone.  

Christmas for me has always been about family.  I always did that crazy mum thing year after year. You know the one ladies - where you are trying to kill yourself for the perfect Christmas, quite often ending up ill as a result of the stress and pressure.

The thing is though, that was all just stuff. It was money that didn’t need to be spent. It was presents that didn’t need to be bought. It was trolleys full of food for just one day when there were people who couldn't afford to feed themselves never mind their families.

It was focussing on everything Christmas wasn’t instead of everything that it is.  

Let me start by telling you about how our Christmases always went.

For us, it started on December 1st – sometimes slightly earlier if the 1st didn’t fall on a weekend. I spent huge portions of my kids' lives as a single parent, even when in a relationship, but that’s a story for another day.  

I was so conscious every year of their Christmas being a broken one, it became my mission to make sure it wasn’t. I would behave like a woman possessed, and I think at times, the kids probably would have been quite happy with something a little more chilled!  

First job of the season was the tree. Always a real one until about 4 or 5 years ago when I discovered the sheer joy of buying a good fake one and not spending the whole month pulling pine needles out of unsuspecting toes! (insert laughing face here) 

We would put the tree up together once the branches had dropped, with the two most important baubles going on first. These were baubles bought to remember the two babies that I lost and their placing first on the tree was paramount.  

Then, the kids would go to town with everything else.

Let me tell you, as someone who has just a touch of OCD when it comes to placement of things, this was a very stressful process for me. Baubles would be all over, no rhyme or reason to where they were put, and my stress levels would be through the roof.  

Mum’s... you know exactly what I am talking about!  

There was never tinsel on our tree. I absolutely hate the stuff. I apologise in advance,I don’t want to insult anyone but it always looked so tacky!

I was always, and still am more of a feather boa on the tree kind of girl! Soft, fluffy and oh so feminine.  

We all have our preferences though! 

All this would be done to the dulcet tones of Frank Sinatra and Johnny Mathis amongst other classic Christmas song singers.

Then it would be the first of many Christmas movies – the aim being to watch one a day every day in the buildup to Christmas.

Sometimes that went to the wayside though because there is only so much joy one can have in 24 hours!  

Somewhere during the buildup, there would be a trip to Newcastle with Alex and Chase to do Fenwicks window. McDonalds, hot chocolate, a visit to Fenwicks toy section and a mooch around the market.  

 This was such a big thing for me.

As a kid, I remember my parents bundling myself and my brother and sisters up to go and see it. There would be hot chocolate for us, and we would look in wonder at whatever beautiful creation they had come up with that particular year. From there, there was always a trip to the third floor in Fenwicks.  

For those of you not in the know, that was the toy floor and at Christmas, it was a child's dream, (and a parents nightmare!)

Decorations, giant Lego statues and so many toys that not even Santa’s workshop had a look in!

Alongside the trip to dreamland, there was always a visit to see Santa.  

If you were to ask me what I had got at Christmas as a kid, there is very little I could tell you, but I can reel off so many experiences that we had as a family.

For me, they continue to be so much more important than my parents bankrupting themselves to fill underneath the tree.

The introduction of the naughty elves brought a whole new dimension of fun to Christmas in our house.

This wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, but mine were still young enough when they were introduced to the world to be able to enjoy the silliness that came along with it.

We had two exceptionally naughty elves that created some exceptionally frustrating situations!

Every night for 24 days, the elves would get up to some crazy mischief from trying to lift kettlebells to melting a snowman with a hairdryer and gift-wrapping the toilet.  

They certainly added a whole new dimension of fun to the season.  

So, we have worked our way up to almost Christmas.

During the buildup, there has been 24 days of elves, 24 days of movies, frantic present buying and wrapping, buying and dressing a beautiful tree, Christmas carol concerts and planning a fabulous dinner that caters for everyone's tastes.  

I’ll give you an example of just how much the crazy took over. Last year there was just me and my youngest but there were three joints of meat to make sure that everyone had something that they liked.

You look at it afterwards, slowly shaking your head and wondering why your common sense decided this was the best time of the year to take a holiday!  

As you head towards Christmas Eve, there is then the PNP video.

This was one of my favourite things and my kids were so excited every year to get a personal message from Santa.

For them, that was when the excitement really began to kick in! For me, watching the wonder and joy on their faces while they watched Santa talking to them about their year and what they had asked for was worth every second of stress.  

We did attempt the building of a gingerbread house one year but that was a total disaster! Very tasty, but it resulted in a condemned building that would have had to be bulldozed if we hadn’t eaten it first.  

So musers, that takes us all the way up to Christmas Eve.  

Christmas Eve culminated in the yearly family gathering at my house and making reindeer dust.

(Glitter and oats people - you don’t need to buy it!)

The kids would then write their own magic spell so that the reindeers would be able to see it while they were flying over the house.  

Santas key went out because he needs to be able to get in when you have no chimney, and we would all snuggle up on the settee and watch a Christmas movie. Usually, Home Alone. Watching the kids belly laugh all the way through absolutely made my night

.  

After the movie, we would read Twas the Night Before Christmas, put out a drink and mince pie for Santa and a carrot for Rudolph and two very excited kids would go to bed to attempt some sleep! The presents would go under the tree, the mince pie and drink would be drunk, and Rudolph's carrot would be chewed.

Santa would always leave a card for the kids to say thank you and he hoped they enjoyed their day.  

The kids would bounce out of bed at stupid o’clock, we would read the Christmas story, they would have breakfast and then presents would be opened.  

Several hours later, completely stuffed with turkey and all the trimmings, they would go off to their dads and I would lie on the settee, watch It’s a Wonderful Life and eat a ridiculous amount of cheese! Satiated and happy, that was what made my Christmases.  

So, now we get to the crux of it.  

This year, none of this happened.  This year was a whole different story.  

Like I said musers, I don’t want sympathy. This year, everything changed as it was always going to. Change is the only thing in life that you can guarantee. It's how ready you are for it when it comes that determines how well you cope with it.  

We still had the crazy present buying and wrapping, but this year I decorated the tree on my own. No little hands putting things in all the wrong places.  

This year I didn’t see Fenwicks window and watch little eyes light up at the magical scenes they saw in front of them.  

This year I didn’t go to any Christmas markets or watch a Christmas movie every day. In fact, I think I could count on one hand the amount of Christmas movies that I have watched.  

This year, the elves stayed in their box – not even appearing to sit on the side somewhere.  

The yearly Christmas Eve shindig with the familiars happened and was amazing.

We had two surprise guests with my Uncle George and Robert turning up unannounced, and that really made my day, but this year, Christmas Eve night had no reindeer dust.

No spells.

No Night Before Christmas.

Alex went off to his dads on Christmas Eve night to spend his first Christmas morning with him in about 10 years, and although Chase and his partner Jasmine hung around for a bit on the evening, when they left to get ready to celebrate their own Christmas with my grand fur babies, I was left with the realisation that for the first year ever, I was waking up without any of my children at home on Christmas morning.

I think that was the hardest realisation I have ever experienced. 

Don’t worry though musers, I wasn’t completely alone. My other half stayed over as his kids were doing Christmas morning with their mum and then going to his at lunchtime, but we both felt it so keenly.  

Christmas after all is about family.  

In amongst all the madness of preparing for the craziness of the season, it's so easy to forget the true meaning of it.

All that money spent means nothing when you can’t share it with someone who you love.

Those moments are so precious and as I sat reflecting on Christmases past, I got to thinking about all those people who are alone at this time of year every year.  

This year has not been the most fun for me. I cooked a Christmas dinner for one. I specifically didn’t watch Christmas movies on Christmas morning because I didn’t want any part of it.

I missed my babies more than you could possibly imagine, but this is something that I am going to have to get used to.

They are getting older and my youngest won’t be around for much longer.  

Things are changing, but I have been so incredibly lucky to have had 24 years of amazing times and memories with my two over Christmas.  This year brought the realisation that although we haven't had much and I have had to make ends meet the best I could for a large portion of their lives, my life has been so rich.

I have a lifetime of memories with them and a lifetime more to come. They are just going to take a slightly different turn.  

I am incredibly blessed because what I have is worth so much more than money in the bank.

I think I have learnt the true meaning of Christmas this year in the most difficult way because the change has forced me to see it very differently.

We watch people going crazy trying to make things perfect and forget that there are so many who are alone.

So many who don’t have family and so many for whom Christmas is not a happy time. It's easy to forget about those with nothing when we live in such a materialistic world.  

This Christmas has been a huge lesson for me. This is not a good time for everyone and for those who are struggling, a kind word and a smile can be the difference between them surviving the emotional stress of the season or not.

Each if us have the power to change lives at this time of year, but the world encourages us to focus on all the wrong things.  

I suppose what I am trying to say in my usual waffly way is that maybe we all need to step back and try to focus on how lucky we are to have what we have, and in the spirit of the season, if you come across someone who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in a situation that makes Christmas an incredibly difficult time for them, take a moment to do or say something to reassure them that they are not alone.  

It could be lifechanging for them and for you, I guarantee you that the universe always looks kindly on those who love others without any thought of something back in return.  

I hope you had the most wonderful of Christmases musers.  

Until next time............