“I cannot live without my life! I cannot die without my soul!”   “Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you.”  Catherine and Heathcliff on the moors.  She lay on the bed, cold and grey, a sleep too deep for even true love’s kiss to awaken her, covered with a satin sheet in a blush pink that had once mirrored the delicate tones of her skin.  Next to her, he lay broken.  His beginning, his middle and his end lay beside him, gone in the cruellest way possible, and he had not even had the chance to tell her that he loved her.  Theirs had never been a simple, gentle, everyday love that grows slowly over time. It was fierce. Passionate. Obsessive. A love that had engulfed him, consumed him still, and would continue to do so until he too moved on - doomed to wander the moors for eternity in search of what he had lost.  In that moment, their beginning flooded back.  He remembered the day he met her. A beautiful blonde child with eyes as blue as sapphires who had run rings around him since her father had taken him in. Wickedly intelligent. Bold. Defiant. Yet also innocent, chaste and wild in a way that made him feel less alone in the world.  The memories blurred until one night stood still.  The night he took a beating to protect her from her cruel, drunken father.  He lay there, blood seeping through his worn linen shirt as she scolded him for his recklessness. They were both so young. So untouched by pride. When she asked what she could do, he asked her only to stay so he would not be alone.  That was the first time he whispered that he would love her forever, believing her asleep, unaware that she was smiling quietly in the darkness. For her too, life would never be the same again, but this was before the world intervened.  Before pride and ego became armour.  Before battle wounds were wrapped carelessly in bandages of status and power.  Before vulnerability was mistaken for weakness and love hidden behind fortresses too fortified to enter and too lonely to inhabit.  When did love stop being about choosing one another and begin to feel like winning?  Why does adulthood convince us that we must become something impressive rather than simply remain connected?  I have always loved this book.  The relationship between Catherine and Heathcliff remains one of the most powerful depictions of tragic love in literature. The wild, sweeping darkness of the moors mirrors the obsessive passion that saturates every page, but perhaps it is the tragedy of ego that lingers long after the final chapter.  Maybe that is why that final scene affected me so deeply.  The simple beauty of two souls who cannot live without one another, and yet, in trying to survive apart they destroy each other. It is devastating.  Love was not merely lost. It was sacrificed in a battle of pride, but if we are honest, many of us still carry that earlier, more innocent version of ourselves within us. The version that loved completely before fear interfered.  Before we learned to measure worth by comparison.  Before pride felt safer than honesty.  Before ego disguised itself as strength.  Perhaps Wuthering Heights still hurts because it reminds us not only of tragic love, but of the quiet responsibility we hold as adults. To protect what is pure.  To choose connection over conquest, and to never let ego speak louder than the instinct that once knew better.   The moors will always belong to Catherine and Heathcliff - their names forever whispered in the sound of the breeze, but for every one of us this story is a lesson.   A lesson in choosing to protect the love we carry, regardless of status. In holding onto the innocence we once held deep within our souls before the world attempted to replace it with pride and ego. In understanding the responsibility we have to not only  remain true to our own hearts, but to honour the hearts of those we hold in our hands.  We have the power to love them or to destroy them.   The question is – which will we choose?

Be aware, this blog post contains some strong language. So, for those of you who follow on facebook, you will have seen my post a couple of weeks ago with me and the laptop sitting in the sun whilst the Mr ran around a football field in 23 degree heat. I was on a roll musers! I had all but finished the article I was writing, and unlike a lot of what I write which is just genuine musings and shower thoughts, (if you know you know), it was an important one. Then, the unimaginable happened... Despite my Wix account telling me everything had been automatically saved, when we got home from visiting the parental units after football, (and can I say quite possibly the best lemon cake in the world EVER), the whole post was gone. (Insert weeping, wailing and maybe a little bit of self flagellation right here!) Anyhoo, after I managed to calm the rising panic in my gut I thought to myself, its fine - it'll be there. My laptop is just having a wobble. It happens to the best of us. Unfortunately however, when I came back to it, it was still missing without a trace. I was getting ready to move house (check), and I knew that trying to sit down at that precise moment and recreate it would just not happen so here we are - second attempt. Strap in musers because this is going to get gnarly! A few days prior to the attempt that we shall pretend never happened, I was doing what I am sure most of us do from time to time. Scrolling through old photos on my phone. I don't remember why but I was looking at a particular time frame for each year. As I got further back, I came across these and my heart stopped. So, you would be forgiven for thinking that this had come from teens based on the language used, but this was actually two messages from pages and pages of private Tik Tok messages sent to my son from his supposed friend group, and they were all still in first school. I'll give you just a minute. 10 and 11 year olds that he had gone through first school with, walked to and from school with, had tea with and hung around with were abusing him in the most insidious and damaging way they possibly could. Not just one or two of them, but the entire friendship group, and it went on for pages. I still have every one of those message screenshots. I came across it by chance and this is what I wanted to talk about today. Parenting in the digital age. How much privacy do we allow our children in a world that is as alluring as todays world is, but also as pernicious, deceptive, cunning and dangerous? At what point do we step in and invade that privacy and protect them not only from adults who want to hurt, influence or abuse them, but also the friendship groups around them because lets be honest, when things go bad, they have a tendancy to spiral quickly. Cyberbullying is an epidemic and we are losing children all the time because we assume our babies are safe. Today I am here to tell you that they aren't, and as parents, we have to make sure that we educate them on online safety before anything else. My son was 10 when I got him his first phone. He was coming into the last year of first school and because we lived so close to the school, he desperately wanted to walk in without mum in tow. His friends had been walking together for a little bit and because they walked very close to where we lived, I agreed that as long as they knocked for him, as soon as he had a phone he could start walking without me. There were rules for it of course. Google tracker had to be on so I could see where he was at all times. If I called, he needed to answer. He needed to keep it charged, and whenever I asked to take a look, he needed to let me. That last rule was never about invading his privacy. It was about monitoring the interactions between him and other people online, and whilst I was always conscious of the risk of paedophiles, the thought of him being bullied using the one thing that made him feel like a grown up was not something I had every considered possible. After all, he was this very cute little thing - bias aside of course. He always had a girlfriend - as much as kids of that age do. He was always talking to his friends. He was always spending time out or playing games with them via the Xbox. I thought those friendships were solid. I could not have been more wrong. There was no real sign that I could put my finger on at the point that I became aware of the problem. I just knew something didn't feel right. Although the phone checks were few and far between, up to that point I hadn't come across anything that concerned me, and we talked openly quite often about internet safety. That day, he just seemed very despondent so we chatted and I asked him if I could take a look at his phone. When I started to scroll through the vile messages from not just one person but his whole group, my heart began to pound. As a mother I would be lying if I said I didn't want to tear their hearts out. I was livid. Wavering between almost blind anger and complete devastation that he had been putting up with that for so long and said nothing, I sat quietly and continued to read through page after page after page after page. Even now, typing this at 5am because I can't sleep, I still feel that same visceral anger and upset that I felt at the time. This was my boy. I had carried him for 9 months safe in my body and then protected him for 10 years as much as I could, and these vile little brats were attacking him in the most insidious and dangerous way possible. We were lucky. I found the messages. I was able to handle the situation and as much as I might have wanted to, I didn't rip their warm, still beating hearts out of their chests. We discovered the actual bullying had gone on for years, but me giving him a phone to allow him to walk to school with his 'friends' had just opened up a whole new avenue for it. So, how do we navigate that protection as parents in a way that protects our children without them thinking that they aren't trusted. That really is the million dollar question and the honest answer is - I don't know. What I do know though is how important it is that you have these conversations with your kids, and that you start those chats young. I spent a little bit of time doing some research on facts and figures for this and the statistics are terrifying. For those of you in my generation, we are in a very unique position. We straddle both worlds. We grew up without the internet but in a world that was beginning to open up exponentionally to the possibility of communication between countries in a way that hadn't been experienced before. We had a proper childhood. We played football. We climbed trees. We rode our bikes. We sat gossiping on the landline for hours with our friends ten minutes after we had left them, and the telly? Well when I started out there were only 3 channels! As I became an adult, the internet was becoming a thing. It was still dial up which for those who can remember was an absolute nightmare. Mobile phones were like bricks and if you had a signal anywhere that wasn't in the middle of a city then you had struck absolute gold! Those of us from my generation are lucky enough to have experienced life without, but also been young enough to adapt relatively well to life with the internet, mobile phones, social media and all the rest of that crazy jazz. The reality is though folks, not one of us could have predicted how fast it would move and just how dangerous it would become. Especially for our children. Life is almost impossible without the internet so its becoming so much more important to tackle the subject of cyberbullying and online safety openly from a young age. Its vital that we educate ourselves and there are some fantastic tools online that are there specifically to help parents tackle this subject. We all know that google is your friend! Barnado's have a great article on supporting parents with tackling this subject and honestly, it doesn't matter that much where you start. Just that you start. We can't control everything that our kids will face, but what we can do is arm them with knowledge, trust guidance and openness. Maybe that will be enough to make the online world a little safer for them. Check out the link below if you need some tips and please remember - you aren't alone. https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/keeping-children-safe-online/how-to-talk-children-safe-online Until next time...

I know folks - I have neglected you all over the last couple of months. Shatter the Silence has taken over a little, but as we get that to a point where it will tick over without needing to be worked on every day, my focus is shifting back to my fabulous musers and how much I have missed writing something that is all about fun! For those of you supporting STS, thank you from the bottom of mine and Emma's hearts. It is a passion project and if I am honest, I think its probably been a long time coming for both of us. If you aren't, hang your head in shame! (Insert laughing face here...) Seriously though, it will hopefully be something that none of you will ever need, but I guarantee you that someone in your friends circle will. Please like, share and follow and work with us on taking a step closer to stamping out abuse and shattering the shame around it. www.shatterthesilence.info . Right, shameless plug over now! Today, I wanted to talk about being fabulous at 40, (+ a little VAT). This past week I have managed a catch up with two of my absolute favourite people in the world, one of whom is about to turn 40 in October, and the other who is slowly catching up to me. (This year I will be 48. Oh, the shame!) Joking aside, during both catch-ups, the conversation turned to age and it got me thinking, as these things often do. (For anyone wanting a visual, I am sitting in my office blasting Cyndi Lauper and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Honestly, it could not be more appropriate for todays blog!) We did a little reminiscing, as you do, but honestly? I cannot remember a decade that I have enjoyed more than this one. My 40's have truly become my age of discovery! For those of you who are wondering - something strange, unexplainable and magical happens when you hit your 40's. Believe it or not, it isn't a sudden urge to buy wrinkle cream, write bucket lists or panic over the fact your body is doing its own thing. What happens can only be described as a quiet rebellion. A shift in your soul. A spark that begins to burn with a fire so fierce that it becomes almost impossible to ignore. Suddenly, you realise life is actually for living, and that all the surviving and playing by someone else's rules? Absolutely no more! There is this confidence you didn't know you had that begins to creep in, and one day you suddenly realise - you no longer need to apologise for your very existence. If people don't accept you as you are, that is not your problem. They just are not part of your tribe - and guess what? That's completely okay. This is the decade you stop shrinking and staying in the shadows and you begin to take up the space that was always yours to claim. Your 20's were for figuring things out. Your 30's were for building those things. Your 40's? They are all about breaking free - embracing every inch of who you are and thrusting it into the world in an unapologetic and wildly fabulous way! No longer do you censor what you wear, what you eat or where you go. You begin to realise that you are fabulous. FULL STOP! You wear that dress you wouldn't have dared to touch in your 30's. You book the trip that you always wanted to do and maybe you even do it solo which is even more fabulous! You say no without feeling guilt. You say yes to things that you never imagined you ever would and don't worry about the outcome. There is a sudden rediscovery of all those things you loved as a teenager. Music, creativity, movement, rest, and the things that truly brought you joy that somehow disappeared in amongst the chaos of having to adult. All of a sudden the things that feed your soul step back into the limelight and become the main focus again as you begin to remember what true joy feels like. Your friendship circles might shrink—but the ones who remain? They become family. Fiercely loved and fiercely protected. You start letting go of what no longer serves you: the job that drains you, the endless online debates (you can’t  argue with stupid!), the toxic expectations. You speak to yourself more kindly. The self-criticism fades. You begin to realise that perfection was never the goal—you were pretty damn amazing all along. Your body? No longer a battleground. The laugh lines, the tummy curve, the heavier tread—they’re not flaws. They’re evidence of living . And you learn to love yourself in a way you never thought possible. Honestly musers, these are the years that the magic returns- wild, soft, bold and unfamiliar. And if you embrace the change? I promise you this may just be the best decade of your life! The biggest lesson I learned was that it was never about chasing perfect. Its about living fully. Living bravely. Embracing the messy, the beautiful and the imperfect joy of what it is to be human, and fabulous at 40 of course! Time is not running out - its just finally feeling like its yours. So musers, here's to your 40's. Mine might be nearly over but I am damn sure I am not slowing down anytime soon. This is the age of rediscovery. The season of becoming. The decade that you realise everything you are has been patiently waiting inside you, waiting for you to realise just how fabulous you are and own it all. This is to living - really living, and no longer denying, apologising for or hiding who you are. Here's to your 40's! Until next time....

Last week, I started listening to a new podcast. For those of you who know me well, you know I love a good podcast—and this one hit the ground running for me. The link is below and I highly  recommend you give it a listen. The first episode really hit home, and whilst I totally don’t want to dis the fellas out here, this is very much aimed at the ladies—and it’s so  relatable. Soz like! 🎧 Listen here Now, let me just clarify—yes, it does say it’s for ADHD women, and being able to relate to everything  in there was amazing for me, but actually—everyone and anyone can take something from it. (Even if you have a willy!) So, there I was, toddling along on a Thursday morning on my way to the day job with the dulcet tones of Kate Moryoussef and Nancy Levin in my ears. The sun was beaming down, the birds were singing, and everyone who passed me with a dog (or a doogle  as I call them) was smiling and saying good morning. I could have been in a Disney movie. What a morning to be alive! Anyway, as I turned the corner to walk up the country lane, the podcast took off properly and I found myself engrossed in something we all know , but very few of us practice —especially not in the way we should, or with the people we need to. Boundaries. So today, I will be waxing lyrical about the dreaded boundary—how crap we all are at them, and why they are such an important factor in everyday life. And yes, as you all know, I do have a tendency to waffle. Give me a cuppa and a captive audience and I’ll take you from childhood trauma to why I can’t trust people who walk silently. But today, I promise  to keep us (mostly) on track. (Also—what is  it with those people and how do they manage not to be heard? I am like a baby elephant trying to ice skate at the best of times... 😅) Anyway, I digress. Let’s talk boundaries. The question is—as grown-ass adults—how many of us truly understand not only what  a boundary is, but the importance of it? Just in case you need reminding, a boundary is a physical, emotional, or mental line that you put in place to protect your peace of mind and sanity—you know ‘em! They’re those awkward and uncomfortable little lines we’re meant  to draw between us and other people so we don’t end up emotionally drained, people-pleasing gremlins with a permanent twitch in our left eye. (You all know that twitch.) The reality is, we all talk  about boundaries, but we show them the same love and devotion that we show hydration or pelvic floor exercises: very important, rarely done well, and usually ignored until it’s way too late. But why is setting a boundary so bloody hard? As women, we’ve been taught over generations that our roles are multifaceted, but that they always revolve around everyone else before ourselves. We’re mothers, cleaners, chefs, nurses, teachers, wives, and friends. We’re advisors, role models, support systems, managers, organisers, therapists, financial planners, event planners and nurturers. (Quick FYI before the lovely fellas get their knickers in a twist—this is not to say what you  do has any less value. This isn’t a dig. I come in peace. Promise.) The point is, although we are getting better  at not being martyrs, there’s still a long way to go, because for many of us (hello, recovering good girls and chronic overachievers—you are my people), the idea of someone not liking us—or worse, being disappointed in us—is more terrifying than a wasp in the car. So instead of saying, “Actually, I can’t help you move house with 15 minutes’ notice,” we say, “Of course! Do you want me to bring snacks too?” Spoiler alert:  that’s not kindness. That’s self-abandonment, wrapped in cling film and labelled “helpful.” Stop it—like yesterday. The episode of the podcast I mentioned, (seriously, go listen, it’s like therapy but free and without the pressure of not crying in front of a stranger), reminded me that boundaries aren’t walls. They’re fences with gates that we  control. They let the good stuff in and keep the energy vampires out. You know the ones—the people who treat your time, your kindness, and your mental wellbeing like it’s a free buffet. (And if you’re that person—stop. It's not cute.) Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be dramatic. You don’t need to send a scroll with wax seals or prepare a PowerPoint presentation. Sometimes it’s as simple as: “I’m not available this weekend, but I hope it goes well.” “I don’t have the capacity for that right now.” “No.” Just " No" . Thought I would stick it on twice cause its totally allowed! I’m not gonna lie to you—at first, it feels mega  uncomfortable - like keeping your bra on after work or wearing heels post-30. We all know that feeling! But it does  get easier—and the peace it brings? Wowser. Y ou get your time back. You get your energy back. You get you  back. And the people who respect your boundaries? They’re the ones who deserve to be in your life anyway. So before I spiral into a full-blown TED Talk - if you’ve been feeling resentful, overwhelmed, or like everyone wants a piece of you - this is your sign. Put the fence up. Lock the gate. Electrify it if you need to. Boundaries are self-care. Boundaries are self-respect. Boundaries are the Beyoncé of emotional wellbeing, and once you start setting them, you won’t stop. You’ll be out here like: So, my musers, here’s what I want you to do… Think of one  boundary you need to set. Just one. It might be with your boss, your mum, your best mate, or that one group chat that makes your phone vibrate like it’s trying to escape Alcatraz. Write it down. Say it out loud in the mirror. Practise it with your dog if you have to. (Just not while he’s in the bath, yeah?) And when the moment comes—go all Nike on it and just do it . Because the version of you who’s no longer saying “yes” out of guilt? She’s flying. She’s thriving. She’s basically had a solid 8 hours with Chris Hemsworth rubbing her shoulders and Henry Cavill humming a lullaby in the corner. Just imagine. If you’ve got a hilarious, outrageous, or heartwarming boundary moment, I would love to hear it! Knowing we all struggle to say no makes it just a little easier. You are not  on your own trying to find your inner peace. I promise, it’s there, and we’re all rooting for you. Drop your story in the comments, message me, send a pigeon—whatever works. Let’s build a boundary-loving corner of the internet where we cheer each other on while learning to say “no” with confidence and a bit of sass. We’re not being difficult. We’re being intentional - and quite frankly, it’s about time. With love, tall fences, and absolutely no guilt, Until next time...

(Watch out for the naked ladies...There are a few of us!) So, when I announced a couple of weeks ago that I was joining an amazing group of wild women for a naked photo shoot in the middle of nowhere, I got a mixture of responses. Obviously leading with the naked element maybe wasn't the best idea, and my poor mum bless her - well - she even asked if it was porn. Definitely wasn't. I think she finally believed me. I have to be honest though, I am still not sure she really understands. If she wasn't already grey, I genuinely think this announcement may have done it. Once again of course, I have led with the nudity, but quite honestly, that was only a tiny and completely insignificant element of something that has already been lifechanging, and my experience is only just beginning! So musers, make a cuppa, get a choccy biscuit and let me take you back to where it all began... I have mentioned the gorgeous Katie in previous blogs, and what you are reading about today is all down to her. (Yes mum, it was all Katie's fault. Nowt to do with me!) Anyhoo, Katie had come across an announcement for a series of photo shoots around some of the most beautiful spots in and around the North East within a group she is a part of. The group are known as Wild Women Adventures, and believe me when I tell you - they are the true definition of women embracing everything that makes us the beautiful, complicated, wild, proud and majestic creatures that we are. I hadn't come across them prior to this so when Katie told me all about it, it was a no brainer. After all, you only live once! The project itself has been called Legendary Creatures, and has been put together by three incredible women with the most amazing vision. It spans 12 shoots showing some of the most beautiful and dramatic backdrops throughout the North East, whilst also embracing everything that we as women are through the medium of some of the most terrifying and exciting female legends. Northumberland, where I hail from is the epitome of wild, rugged, untouched beaches and dense, dark, enchanting forests. Absolutely perfect for this kind of project. Throughout the entire area lie ruins that tell stories of the people who went before. You just have to be quiet enough to hear them. We also have the spectacular North Sea which can go from calm, tranquil waters to crashing, violent waves in a matter of minutes. She truly can be an unpredictable and dangerous mistress, but as you all know from previous blogs, the water is my second home so I take her as she is. Forgive the cheese, but she truly does heal everything. Gushing done. Promise ;) Anyway, I very excitedly got myself into the group and started keeping an eye on the announcements. What I also noticed was there are all sorts of activities going on with them which look amazing. Moving forward, I will definitely be taking part in some of those, so watch this space... Anyway, the reason Katie had messaged me was to ask if I fancied doing the second shoot which was focusing on the deadly beauties of the sea - the Sirens. We had missed the first one - the Crones, although having seen some of the pictures, it looked amazing. If you don't know the legend of the Sirens, they were beautiful creatures from Greek mythology who would lure sailors to their death with their intoxicating voices. The sailors would become so overwhelmed with desire that they would ignore the danger of sailing too close to the rocks, and their desperation would become their downfall as their ships sank below the waves, taking the sailors with them. Although we wanted to get to that one, alas - it was not meant to be so I made absolutely certain that there was no way I was going to miss shoot number three - The Vampyres. (I know, it should be an i but it's so much more fitting with the y!). After a change to the original date, I found myself getting into a car on Friday 30th May with a bunch of ladies I had never met to take off my clothes, cover myself in blood and embrace my inner vampyre at Mitford castle. Having never even been aware of the existence of Mitford Castle, I was excited to see it, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't beginning to doubt my sanity as the car pulled away. We couldn't have hit luckier with the weather, and I very quickly began to feel comfortable with the ladies I was heading up there with. Not only were they exceptionally friendly and chatty, but a couple of them had already been involved in shoots and knew just what it was like. Thank you for making it such an incredible experience ladies! We got there and headed up to the castle to meet our intrepid photographers, and the creators of this stunning project. Feeling a little sick at this point, I knew I was just going to have to bite the bullet when it came to dropping everything. You gotta be all in or there's no point, and this was an experience I did not want to miss! Anyway, long story short, we were given the option of a 1,2,3 for undressing or just taking everything off. So, off i t all came! Now, as you all know musers, I go through phases of loving my body and then hating it, but since I hit my 40's, my shape has become less important than it was before, and how I am feeling has taken priority. I was starkly aware though, before the clothing became obselete that night that I have put on about 10kg over the last 12 months, and I wasn't as confident about being naked in public as I would have been this time last year. (I blame the Mr. Its nothing to do with my love of a good chocolate biscuit!) The weird thing was, the very thing that I thought was going to make this almost impossible was the very thing that changed everything for me. I dropped the dress quickly. I didn't want to pause because that would have been a problem for me, and all of a sudden, there I was in all my naked glory on the top of a hill, inside a castle ruins in Northumberland. For only a second I felt panic, and then as I looked at all the nakedness that I was surrounded with, it dawned on me why this was so important for all of us. There, on that hilltop was life - wild and free. There was power and strength and quiet vulnerability all wrapped up within the eternal beauty of the divine feminine. Everyone was completely unique, their bodies carrying their story in every line, every curve, every scar and every mark on their skin. Some of us were proudly carrying the scars of childbirth, and the gentle curve around our stomachs that bears the story of the incredible gift of giving life. Some had lines and greying hair, symbols of the wisdom and experience that comes with a life well lived. Some were still young, firm, supple and ready to embrace everything with the energy that comes from youth. More importantly, every single one of them was beautiful and completely unique. There is an inherent beauty within the female form, and standing there at that moment with the evening sun warm on my skin, I felt more connected to the universe, mother nature and every one of those incredible women than I ever have before. It was a brief moment of clarity and an instinctive spiritual connection with generations of women who have come before me, and those who are still yet to come. Who would have thought standing naked in a castle ruin would create such a powerful moment?! Anyway, back to what you are really here for... the shoot. After my 'moment', we all started to head down into some small areas within the castle itself. They turned out to be really good for some of the shots that Rachel, Dani and Angela wanted to take. At one point, there was even an unexpected visitor appeared although I would imagine he was more taken aback then we were. After all, suddenly being faced with 14 naked women, all of whom have fake blood on them must have been slightly terrifying to come across in the middle of nowhere on a Friday night. The tractor guy in the field below wasn't phased at all though. He stopped and had a good look for a few minutes. After all - naked ladies! I could be wrong, but I do believe he took his phone out for pictures so goodness knows where those bad boys have ended up! We spent a short while at the castle, and then putting our glad rags back on, we headed down towards the woods and the river and that is where the fun really began! The beauty of a forest heading into the night lies not just in the way the light filters through the trees, but the quiet that surrounds you. Other than the wind gently blowing through the leaves and the trickle of the water slowly meandering its way through the wood, (lets not forget the cackling from the naked vampiric women clambering around the bridge and peering through the branches as well though), it was very serene. As the light was starting to fade, the mood became tangible to the point you could almost reach out and embrace it. Everyone was finding different areas of the clearing to pose in and you could visibly sense the change as people began to relax into the experience properly and really let themselves go. This became the area where some of the bloodiest shots took place, and where I bit down hard on a still warm and beating heart! (Not really - I promise!) It was a fake, but so much fun to relax into the narrative and pretend to be that mythical creature feeding on her kill. As you can see from a handful of the pictures below, everyone got into it and we turned that quiet forest glen into something that looked like a murder spree! It was almost perfect, until a father and son came along with their dog to disrupt the peace of the slaughter! The poor lad can't have been more than 8 or 9 years old, and yet there he was - stood in the middle of the woods with a bunch of women covered in blood. Gotta be honest, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they got back home because that is one conversation that I cannot even begin to imagine having. Poor guy! So, from tearing up hearts in the trees, we moved into the water. I love a bit of cold water swimming but there is something distinctly primal about doing it naked. There were no barriers between my skin and the water. Feeling the chill and the gentle movement of the weeds dancing around my legs was one of the most sublimely beautiful things I have ever experienced. It also helped being surrounded by ladies who like to cold water swim, so in we all went and away the girls began to snap again! Although a handful of the photos taken in the water have been shared, there are a lot still a lot more to come. I have to be honest, I am mega excited to see those. There was a real otherwordly feel that came from being in there and seeing everyone relax in a way that they hadn't prior to that was just amazing. It was a truly raw, wild and transformative experience. As well all know, though - all good things must come to an end and this was no different. It left me feeling a confusing mix of sadness and happiness. After all, I had just spent the last couple of hours running around the woods naked, sitting in the river and pretending to be a Queen of the Undead. I reckon that has to be one of the best shoots I have ever been involved with and one of my favourite nights ever! On the other hand, as much as I never wanted to wear clothes again, I was so excited to go home and tell the Mr all about the experience. Good job he is learning how to tune me out when I waffle! So, for those of you dying to ask - yes. There is another one on the way. (Inserting super excited face here!) The next one is focussing on The Fae - the wee fairy folk that hide at the bottom of your garden. Make no mistake though musers. The real Fae were cruel, cunning and ambitious. They would think nothing of stealing a baby and replacing it with their own weak, deformed children or turning a human into something that would amuse them. Their morality was ambiguous with some believed to be protectors, whilst others were weak, mischievous and dangerous. My warning to you all - keep your eyes peeled if you're out and about, and if you come across a fairy circle over the next couple of weeks - stay away. If you don't - you might just not make it home. If you want to check out our absolutely amazing photographers, all their details are below. Watch this space for more on this incredible project! https://www.instagram.com/rachel_riley_photography?igsh=MXVhMWk2dzY3eDc2bA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr https://www.rachelrileyphotography.com/ https://www.instagram.com/amour_de_soi_portraits/ https://www.instagram.com/daniicaptures_/ https://www.instagram.com/angela_allaway_art/ https://www.instagram.com/fated_frames Until next time...

(PLEASE BE AWARE - THERE IS STONG LANGUAGE IN THIS BLOG) Its been a hot minute since I last sat down to write a blog. For those of you who do follow, thank you so much for sticking around so patiently. It is more appreciated than I think any of you know! The last blog was published on April 6th I do believe, and whilst it may have been quiet on the Meraki front, there has been so much going on behind the scenes. If you follow on facebook, you will be kinda caught up, but if you don't, fasten your seatbelts folks! Its gonna be a bit of a ride! Everything has changed! So, a couple of months back, I went out for drinks with the Browell's mum and sister. It was planned as a chilled out drink but as I'm sure you all know, these things never end that way! Anyhoo, long story short - the parental unit headed off a couple of hours in, and myself and Emma decided it was way too early to head back so we stopped out and sank a few more. Disgraceful behaviour I hear you whispering, but what that evening turned into is something pretty special, and it is really starting to get going now. As you all know, I have always spoken quite openly about my experiences with abuse and the journey I have been on, and during a really emotional conversation that night, we both made the decision that sitting back was no longer working. As a trained domestic violence workplace champion, Emma had training that is vital for helping people who are in that situation or who have come out and don't know how to manage, and I came with 8 years of personal experience. Dream team! We decided that night to set up Shatter the Silence NE in an attempt to create a safe space not only for survivors of abuse, but also for those currently experiencing it, and neither of us have looked back since! I know that for me, the biggest problem with experiencing abuse is the shame that goes along with it - most of which comes from your abuser making you feel like you deserve everything they are doing. It becomes almost impossible to speak up. Unless you are sporting regular bruises in visible places, allowing family and friends to see it, then its hidden behind closed doors. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it becomes to open up about what is going on, and the more shame and guilt you begin to associate with everything. Shatter the Silence is all about stopping that and giving you a platform to be heard. It is all about breaking the stigma that comes with living with abuse, and starting the process of recognising that the shame should not lie with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and staying quiet will only make it more difficult to walk away. Its something that is for anyone and everyone. Its not just focussing on women but on anyone who has found themselves in this situation and needs help and support, or even just someone to talk to. So, in the spirit of that, I wanted to share something that popped up on my memories the other day. For those of you who may have missed the warning - the below image has exceptionally strong language in it. This was the only message that I ever kept from my abuser. It came through after things ended completely whilst I was out having drinks with the bestie. (There seems to be a recurring theme here!) At the time it completely sucker punched me. I felt sick to my stomach and absolutely terrified but I saved it as a reminder of why I would never go back. As you all know, I have talked quite openly about my experiences, but never actually shared anything in depth with anyone. Shatter the Silence has changed that. I am starting to recognise that vague references within the blogs are fine, but its important to put the truth out there not just for me, but for other women. I never shared this because even now, I still feel shame and guilt for what I experienced and that has to stop today! So there it is in black, white and a lovely shade of bluey green. My shame. My guilt, and the very thing I have been trying to move forward from for the last few years. I knew abuse intimately. I lived it for many years. I can promise you that there is life after abuse. Although those words don't have the same effect now as they did back when they were sent, they still leave me stunned. They still leave me feeling responsible for every little thing I experienced over those 8 years. Each one sends me right back to those moments where my whole life was lived on high alert with a constant fear that if I said or did the wrong thing, things would explode and I would be picking up the pieces for days. Although those who know me know his name, I won't reveal that openly because I am hoping for him that his life has changed, but its very important to remember the following musers - The only way to start to make change is through having the strength to open up, and whilst it is the hardest thing in the world to do, I can promise you all, its life changing. I have a long way to go, but I am in the most incredible place now. My life is mine. Its happy and settled and being lived on my terms, and part of that means working hard to try and help other people in this situation. Both myself and the female Browell would love your support with Shatter the Silence. I hope beyond hope that you don't need it, but even if you don't, there could be someone you know who is suffering in silence and is too scared to speak out. Please - follow, like and share for that reason. Abuse is rife and that one share could be the beginning of a huge change for someone you know. https://rebeccareecephotgo.wixsite.com/shatter-the-silence https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61574243079049 https://www.instagram.com/shatter_the_silence_ne/# I also have some super exciting news to add to this as well, and this goes for everyone. Woop woop! I am about to publish my first two books online in association with Shatter the Silence. Check out the video with all the details below and keep an eye on the page. As soon as they are live I will be shouting about it to all of you! These are not just aimed at people who are going through abuse, but at everyone who wants to look at their day in a slightly different way - whether good or bad. There is a lot more to come, I promise you that, but in the interim, even if you its not for you - when they go live, liking and sharing would be amazeballs! Anyway, happy Saturday to you all. Its the first day of the rest of your life so make it something spectacular! I love you all. Until next time.......

If you haven’t already guessed, it’s been one of those  nights again. Not quite as late as last time I found myself up and writing in the dark, but it’s not far off. The time—courtesy of an overtired Rebecca—is currently 1:59am. And in true over-tired fashion, I can’t shut my brain up. So here I am, talking to you instead. (And just in case you’re wondering… no, counting sheep doesn’t work. Whoever came up with that idea? Total nonsense!) It’s been a funny old week—lots to process. We’ve had family drama, full-on days at the day job, long nights working to get the Shatter The Silence  website up and running (more on that later), and of course, my regular dose of vivid, slightly unhinged dreams. This week, though? The dreamscape was next level weird —so much so that even the lovely Mr Browell is starting to wonder if I’m maybe slightly certifiable. (Insert shocked and laughing face here!) Its another one of those.... No dreaming tonight Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had incredibly vivid dreams. Some were magical, others downright disturbing. I’ve never really been one of those lucky souls who forgets them two minutes after waking up. If a dream is bad, it can stick with me for hours—or days. The upside? When a dream is good, I get to relive it again and again. More often than not, my dreams are just odd . And this week has been no exception. Tossing and turning tonight, I found myself wondering: Where do dreams really come from and why do some of us remember them in detail, while others barely recall a thing? Naturally, I turned to Google (because of course). Turns out, people who regularly recall their dreams tend to have more activity in a brain region called the temporoparietal lobe. (What now?) Basically, it’s the part of your brain that processes emotions, sensory information, language, and memory. So it makes sense that if your dream recall is strong, that area is working overtime. (There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the simple version, because… science makes my head hurt.) As a child, my dreams were vivid—and often filled with flying. Dreaming about flying high! Now, not to brag, but I was excellent  at flying. There was just one catch: I had to swim  through the air Yes, you read that right. Just holding my arms out like Superman didn’t cut it. If I wasn’t doing a proper front crawl through the sky, I’d plummet. Traumatic, I know. For those of you who've ever had a falling dream, you’ll know how awful that moment is—waking up right before you hit the ground. For me - no breaststroke, no bungee cord! Here’s the thing though: in those dreams, the world below was always breathtaking. There were no planes—just birds, usually seagulls, and more often than I’d like to admit… the occasional UFO. Sometimes I’d fly alongside them, sometimes I’d be trying to get away. And as I pushed myself to fly faster and higher, I’d discover landscapes below that were wild, open, and full of possibility. Fields. Forests. Lakes. Mountains. And the sea—stretching endlessly past the horizon. That might be where my love of the sea began. Always moving, never ending. Flying above those vast oceans felt like looking into the future and seeing that anything  was possible. And you know what? Those dreams taught me something I carry with me to this day: No matter the obstacle, water always finds a way. Whether it's the crashing waves of the ocean or the gentle flow of a brook, water continues to move forward. Slowly, patiently, unshakably. That’s Mother Nature teaching us how to live:— Think creatively— Be patient with the process— Stay tenacious, even when the path isn’t clear Our journey isn’t and shouldn't be about the destination—it’s about the adventure. These days, my flying dreams haven’t stopped but they have changed. The sky is busier. The land is more built-up. Where once I floated above peaceful, untouched places, now it’s industry and clutter—things my brain seems to want to force in. It’s a shame, really. That early magic—the simplicity—feels harder to reach. But every now and then, I can still shift the dream’s dynamic. And maybe… maybe that chaos is part of the process too. Dreams are confusing creatures. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes terrifying. Sometimes full of clarity. Other times, a mess of noise, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe we’re not meant to control them . Maybe they exist to help us process what we can’t yet articulate. To unlock the imagination, to feed our creativity, to remind us what’s still possible. Maybe dreaming—really dreaming—isn’t a waste of time at all. Maybe it’s the most powerful thing we do. So dream. Do it loudly. Do it quietly. Do it vividly. However you do it, let go and let your mind soar! Until next time...

For those of you who follow me on facebook, you will most likely have seen my vlog post on Thursday touching briefly on the topic of Incel culture. If you haven't, don't worry. I shall not take it personally! Hmph! All joking aside though, I am taking a slightly different turn today to usual because after watching Adolescence on Netflix, it has left some grave concerns. Its choice of topic is so apt for todays world and our children growing up in it, and I think its something that we all need to be aware of and talk about much more openly if it is ever to be stopped. For those of you who haven't watched it, even if you don't have children - please, please do. This is toxic masculinity at its most deadly and it doesn't just impact children and teens. The show very cleverly covers not just the dangers of the internet, bullying, toxic masculinity, violence and the very worrying trend towards knife crime, but it also looks at the aftermath. The impact on the innocent parties - the families, the friends, the school, and the process of trying to understand what and how this heinous act has come to pass. I won't lie, its a difficult watch but it is absolutely necessary that you do, especially if you have children because this is happening under our noses, and numbers are growing every single day. Although the Incel culture has actually been around for quite a while, its remained mainly underground and has not been something that has been discussed openly really until this show came out. If you are not familiar with it, it goes by the 80/20 rule which suggests that women will only be attracted to 20% of men, leaving the other 80 alone. The basis behind this lies in genetics and the belief that there are certain markers to which women will be drawn. If you don't exhibit those specific markers, then you will naturally slip into the world of involuntary celibacy or 'InCel'. The movement itself started in what is known as the manosphere - an online movement of men who carried very negative and destructive views of women as a whole and has three very rigid levels. The 'Alpha or Chads' who sit at the top are believed to be in the minority, and are the ones who will essentially have their pick of the women. Genetics have gifted them in such a way that this will always be the case. The next level are the 'Normies'. These are your standard, everyday men who shouldn't have too much trouble romantically, but they don't share the genetic advantages that the alpha group have. Then there are the 'InCel's.' The InCel's sit at the bottom, although in their warped version of the world, despite believing women will never be attracted to them, they still believe that they sit above women in the pecking order. Using names to dehumanise women such as Femoids or FHO's , (female humanoid organism), they categorise women into two separate categories. This justifies their belief that women are stupid, shallow, evil and are only good for one thing - sex. The categories the use are the Stacey and the Becky. Unless you are an Alpha/Chad - these women are believed to be unattainable. https://www.vox.com/2018/4/28/17290256/incel-chad-stacy-becky These words have been taken directly from men who are InCel's, and give a very worrying insight into their thinking. For them, the world was a much better place when society was patriarchal. Women married and lived for their husbands and their children, quietly and contently - cooking, cleaning and having sex with their husbands whenever sex was wanted. There was no risk of their 'woman' sleeping with anyone else because 'women didn't do that back then', but for men, they could sleep with whomever they wanted. After all, a woman's sole purpose in life, no matter what category she falls into is to please men. Obviously, this is a very warped reality that InCel's crave, and the fact that this is unlikely to ever be possible leads to anger, frustration, violence and in extreme cases - death. So, now that I have put the fear of God into you all, as parents and people - what can we watch out for with our sons and young men and how do we protect our daughters and young women from this toxic and very dangerous form of misogyny. For me, I believe it starts with understanding todays world a little better. Our children are living online. If you guys are anything like me, you probably hate it as much as I do, but I suspect a large part of that also stems from a lack of understanding even with the basics of what they seem to be able to work with so easily. My generation straddles both worlds. We grew up without it, but we were also still young enough when it was introduced that it didn't create the same level of problems that it has for the older generations. Let me be the first one to say, I do love it. Its made the world smaller. Its opened up so much and there is a wealth of knowledge at your fingertips - although I still love the feel of a book and a sit in the library from time to time! The problem is, with that level of information so readily available and no real policing available due to its vastness, the internet is also a huge danger, especially to children who lack life experience and understanding. Its insidious nature makes it almost impossible to step away from and no matter where you are, if someone wants to attack you, the internet allows them to do so, making things like bullying so much worse and so much more immediate. Along with the internet and the kids, a whole new language of symbols and codes has arisen. As an oldie, I came across an awful lot of symbols when I was online dating and had to ask my oldest what they meant. Let me tell you, I did a lot of blushing when he ran me through it! The thing is, as parents, we have a responsibility to check in with what our kids are looking at online. We have a responsibility to pick up on messages that they are receiving from so called friends, and whilst they may hate that feeling of invasion, checking up every once in a while could save their lives, or someone elses. So, as an emoji novice, after realising how many were on the boys phone in Adolescence that as a parent I would not have understood, I did a bit of digging and came across an article that takes you through everything. Please familiarise yourselves with them musers. This is a dangerous and destructive world and his situation didn't just stem from the InCel culture. It stemmed from bullying through his phone and I truly believe that is the most insidious and dangerous type of bullying there is and poses the biggest risk for our young people. We cannot protect out kids from everything and because of the way the world is going, an understanding of technology is vital for them. What we can do is work to create an open dialogue that will allow them to feel like they can talk about what they see online or come to you if they are worried. Ask them questions - If you don't understand, ask them about it in a way that implies curiosity rather than mistrust. Ask them who they follow online and why and what they are learning from those people. Don't Judge - They won't talk if they feel there will be judgement or consequences so just listen. Let them open up and let them explain their thinking to you. Teach them critical thinking - Encourage them to always ask questions about everything they come across. Encourage them to try and develoop an understanding of where these type of ideologies actually stem from and try and understand why they feel they want to explore them. Monitor Openly - Don't Spy - Online monitoring, especially in today's world is something that we should all be doing as parents. This should be the norm for our children and not something that we impose upon them out of panic. Talk Honestly About Online Manipulation - Grooming online is a huge risk, especially for children and teens in vulnerable emotional situations. For toxic and dangerous online groups, making children feel like they understand them in a way their parents don't, or making them feel special gives them a way in to the child's trust and can lead to radicalisation. There Is A Big Wide World to Explore - Building their confidence in the real world is so important. For kids brought up since the introduction of the internet within their homes, living online has become the norm. They struggle to socialise and this leads to them feeling nervous, uncomfortable, undervalued and low in confidence. Building up confidence, making them feel valued outside of their online world all works towards keeping them safe and preventing them from seeking validation online. It's a scary world that we live in at the moment and as a parent, knowing how much privacy to give, and how much checking we should be doing is difficult. The thing is, its not about being your kids friend. Its about protecting them from these types of people and making sure that the way they use the internet is safe for them, and by extension - everyone else as well. I don't know the best way of doing that but I do know, our young people need us to be strong and parent them the best way we can more than they ever did. I can only hope that an open dialogue will continue to build around the dangers of online groups, and in doing so, those children who may have got involved in something sinister can be stopped before its too late. Until next time.......

Just the other day, I was having a conversation with one of my very close friends. We were chewing the fat as we tend to do, and what had started out as a fairly lighthearted conversation all of a sudden became quite deep. She mentioned a song that for most of the ladies around our age would be familiar. Now, initially she couldn't remember what the song was called, only that it had been sung by a lady who originated in the North East and that it was talking about standing behind glass. There is nothing like a vague reference to get you desparately trying to find out what you need to know, so like the good friend I am, I jumped straight onto google in a desparate attempt to discover what song and artist she was talking about. I'll be honest, although it was a valiant effort on my part, she had figured out who it was well before I found her. (Emile Sande) From there, it was just a matter of nailing down which song she was recalling. (Little bit of useless pub quiz trivia for you - Emile Sande was born on the sunny shores of good old Sunderland!) The song was Clown, and that is where today's blog really begins. If you haven't heard it, check out the video below. If you have, check it out anyway and listen - really listen. I never have. Despite listening to this song a hundred times, for the first time ever I really heard it, and it was profound and poignant and utterly heartbreaking. "I'll be your clown. Behind the glass. Go ahead and laugh, Cos it's funny, I would too if I saw me." "I'll be your clown. On your favourite channel. My life's a circus, circus, round in circles, I'm selling out tonight." Don't get me wrong, I have always loved the song but that day, quietly soaking up the music and really listening to the words for the first time, the world seemed to stop just for a second. I felt my pulse quicken and the prick of tears threatening to escape from behind my eyes. All I wanted to do was sit and let the music wash over me because everything she was singing about, I knew intimately. Both of us did, and for a split second, the melody threw us both back to a life that at the time left us living behind a glass wall and hiding everything that made us the beautiful, imperfectly perfect creatures that we are today. Since that conversation with my friend, the song has been rolling around in my head. Its become louder and louder until it was almost deafening. What I realised is that the only way I can calm it down is to write about it so, in true musing style, here I am! Its 23:19 on Friday night, and I am once again spewing my thoughts out to you poor unsuspecting souls in the hope that Emile will stop singing in my head and just maybe, something I muse about tonight will resonate for you and stop you making the mistakes that myself and my friend both did. Those mistakes generally begin to worm their way in to your psyche before you are really capable of recognising them. Whether its parental pressure, peer pressure or just personal pressure that pushes you to make everything perfect, I suspect that for us both, that need to be what everyone else expected followed us through into our teenage years, never leaving us as we became young adults. Although my teens are definitely a story for another time, what I never recognised was what my rebellion at the time actually was. It was a desperate cry for someone to see me. I rebelled with the excuse that I was embracing myself and showing the world that I could be this fierce creature, capable of whatever I wanted. The reality was I was hiding behind the guise of the stroppy teenager. The mask I wore was so well fitted that nobody was any the wiser, but inside I was already breaking with such ferocity that I have never fully recovered and continue to live with it to this day. You see musers, the problem with wanting people to see you is this - you have to let them see YOU! The Japanese have a philosophy that everyone wears three faces throughout their lives. How much you allow people to see is dependant on their relationship with you, whether you trust them enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and what you are comfortable with based on previous experiences. The First Face - The Public Persona Face number one is the public face we all have and this is the one I need to encourage you all to get rid of! (This is the facebook/insta/tiktok and all that nonsense face. It isn't really a true reflection of who you are but instead, an attempt to portray a perfect existence to the outside world.) Your public face is the one that you put on when you don't want people to know who you are or what is really going on inside your head. For example - you've been invited out to a party and didn't want to disappoint everyone so you said yes. Everything inside you is screaming not to go. Instead, you put on your makeup and your best frock and spend several hours with a drink in your hand, grinning through gritted teeth and hating every minute. Maybe that mask goes on at work. You don't feel you can be completely authentic so you spend your day monitoring eveything you say and do to fit in with what is deemed acceptable. These are people that you may not ever have anything more than a working realtionship with, and whilst this doesn't mean I am suggesting you should be a dick, you should never feel you have to be something you are not. Hiding behind that mask is physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. It doesn't just create huge pressure for you, but it will also begin to create mental health issues if you hide away for too long. Social etiquette needs to be left where it started and authentic, honest and open dialogue encouraged. I can't begin to tell you how many years I stood screaming at the world behind that glass, desperate for someone to see me. I became whatever I felt I needed to so that I would fit in to the point where I didn't know me anymore. My personality would morph dependant on who I was spending time with. It was so damaging and I think it became a huge factor in the choice of relationships I had at that time. I was an easy target for men who were abusive and controlling, and that led me down a very dark path for a long period of time. The second face - the intimate self. The Second Face - The Intimate Self This is that face that shows as you begin to relax and become a more authentic and genuine reflection of you. It tends to be a face reserved for the people that you trust, whomever that may be, and it allows them to begin to break down some of that glass wall you are standing behind. This is the face that embraces all your imperfections and teaches you to love them for being uniquely you. Between me and you musers, I would rather see much more of this type of picture online than the first photo I put up. This one embraces life and lets the viewer into your world. That top photo is all about exuding a persona that doesn't exist, but unfortunately, that is what the majority of us share because that is what we think the world wants to see. Although the second face is a much more honest depiction of us, there are still filters in place to protect not only us but the people around us. That musers, takes us onto the third and final face - The Hidden Core. This one I don't have a picture for and I will explain for why. This one is reserved for you and you alone. It's the face that encompasses your deepest and most authentic self, and the one you will spend your entire life trying to get to know and still only scrape the surface. It holds your deepest hopes and dreams, your fears, your desires and your darkest thoughts. It is everything that you already are and more. Your darkness and your light - your ying and your yang - but the world we live in doesn't encourage this kind of introspection. To do so is counterproductive, and someone who truly knows themself and understands what is truly valuable can be a dangerous creature! There was a famous quote from a book that I grew up reading as a child. It was also a film that we bingewatched over and over. For those of you who know it, the book is The Neverending Story and the quote came from Gmork - one of the big bad's in the story. For those of you who may not be familiar, the basic story is that the bad guys want to destroy the fantasy realm that keeps humanity free so that they will be able to control them. This particular quote comes towards the end of the book whilst Atreyu is preparing to fight Gmork in the final battle. "...when it comes to controlling human beings, there is no better instrument than lies. Because you see, humans live by beliefs, and beliefs can be manipulated. The power to manipulate beliefs is the only thing that counts. That's why I sided with the powerful and served them - because I wanted to share their power...." ....When your turn comes to jump into the nothing, you too will be a nameless servant of power with no will of your own. Who knows what use they will make of you? Maybe you'll help them persuade people to buy things they don't need or hate things they know nothing about, or hold beliefs that make them easy to handle, or doubt the truths that might save them..." What I learnt, and what came back so swiftly to me when I heard the song the other day was how important it had been for me to begin to get to know me. I had to learn to stop being something I wasn't just to keep other people happy. I began to embrace all my little quirks and eccentricities, and what I began to discover was a sense of happiness and contentment that I had never experienced before. I started saying yes to new experiences and no to things I didn't want to do. I stepped back from the people in my life that I didn't feel brought anything to it anymore. As they say, to everything there is a time, blah, blah, blah, and sometimes that time is just over. You look back with fond memories but these people and things no longer have a place in your life. I made self care and getting to know me a priority and honestly, it was the best decision I have ever made. I am no longer controlled by people who don't know me or understand me. I embraced the freedom of being able to stop worrying about what others thought. More importantly, I began the journey of truly learning to love myself and everything that I am - warts and all! I started the blog after I plucked up the courage to smash through my glass wall. I had spent so long without a voice and all of a sudden I had one. The realisation of that has been lifechanging. I have still got so much to learn about myself, but I am finally on the right path. It only took me 42 years to get here! Honestly musers, if there is one thing I can tell you its this... Choose you because you are with yourself for a very long time. To love the people around you, you first need to love yourself and that starts with self care and looking inward. You are unique, incredible and capable of so much more than you know, but you have to take that first step and keep moving forwards. Without it, the world will always control you, and you will never get the chance to discover your true potential. 'Be you. Be yourself....Everyone else is already taken!' Oscar Wilde Until next time........

It's coming up to that time of year when everything goes a little bit nuts. Impromptu proposals, way more chocolate than anyone should be eating this soon after Christmas, and the card companies rubbing their hand with glee as they watch the money rolling in! Yup, you've guessed it. Its Valentines day. Whilst its a lovely holiday, and its nice to be nice and all that - there is a very important day that comes just before Valentines. One that doesn't get talked about often and honestly, one that I think we should be shouting about from the rooftops! February 13th is Galentines Day. Yes ladies, this one is all about you! No Boys Allowed!!! This is officially a boy-free holiday, and its your chance to celebrate the friendship, love and support that you share with the special women in your life. I wanted to use it this year to recognise those gals who truly have been my rock throughout my life. Ladies, I wouldn't be here without you. These are the women with whom I have experienced some of the most special moments in my life. We have laughed until we cried. I have broken my heart with them and they have gently helped me to put it back together one broken piece at a time. We have danced and drank and eaten until we could burst, talking long into the night about life, love and everything inbetween. We have explored and walked and shared hundreds of experiences that have shaped not only the women we were, but also the women we are becoming. Everything that I am today stems from everything they have been and continue to be to me. So, this is my thank you to you all for everything you have been, everything you still are today, and everything you will continue to be in the future. Jen- The best friend who was also your boss and had the audacity to make you work! I am a little terrified to try and work out how many years I have known Jen, but we met when she joined the company I worked for as my boss. I loved her from the first moment I met her. Funny, vibrant, energetic and extremely easy to talk to, we became fast friends. Now what I will say about Jen is that she collects people. Bear with me whilst I explain. She has worked in hospitality as long as I know, and in every site that she has worked, there have been one or two of us who have stayed in touch and become firm friends. I had the absolute pleasure of being one of her exclusive collectee's, (is that a word) from Woodhorn Grange and I have never looked back. Although we don't get to see each other often, to this day she is still one of my very favourite people. When we do get the chance to get together, its like we have never been apart, and it was Jen who really championed the blog. She kicked my arse over and over and I eventually paid attention. I have never looked back but if you want someone to blame, I would definitely recommend you take it up with her. This is totally her fault! I have also made friends with people I would never have had the chance to meet without knowing Jen and for that I am truly grateful! (Little cheeky shout out to Fiona and Vicky and Jen's mum. You are all amazing!) To one of my biggest supporters always standing there in the wings encouraging me to believe in myself and keep going - thank you for everything. Thank you for believing in me, supporting me and not putting up with my silliness. I love you dearly. Happy Galentines Day! Katarina (AKA Katie) - Full Time Bartender, Part Time Therapist, Part Time Philosopher! I met Katie around 7 years or so ago. At the time, she was working behind the bar at a pub in my town. Because my then partner worked away four months at a time, I would spend a good deal of time on my own. After a particularly busy day at work, I decided to pop into what would fast become my local for a glass of wine before I headed home to an empty house. Katie was on the bar and the rest is history. Seeing as I was on my own that night, I had decided to sit at the bar with my drink and just observe. I do that a lot. People are really interesting when they don't know they are being watched. Anyhoo, Katie and I got to talking and it turned out that she was a Doctor Who fan. (I would however just like to clarify that this was when it was good!) From there we got talking about Lord of the Rings, and from that moment on, I knew I had met someone who would become one of my very best friends. Someone else who has been an avid supporter of all things literary Rebecca, she has been with me from the conception of the blog and we have spent many a night discussing the books that we will write. What I recently discovered as well was just how good a writer Katie is. She started writing a blog that focuses on environmental issues and protecting our sea's and beaches so this is also a shameless plug for her! You should totally check her out - she is very talented. I even made it easy for you. You just have to click on the link below. https://www.nwt.org.uk/blog/katarina-martin/i-aint-afraid-no-ghosts Katie and I discovered through talking that we both have a love of the water. She is not only studying Marine Biology at Newcastle University, but is also a very experienced diver. She was the one who introduced me to the benefits of cold water swimming and took me on my first proper snorkelling experience at the Farne Islands which there is a blog about, just in case you're interested. (I know, yet another shameless plug!) We make a point of going to the Ocean Film Festival every year, and when we get our arses into gear, we will be making our own film focussed around the North East and its incredible coastline so watch this space. I also have had the pleasure of spending time with Katie's mum who is an absolute hoot! Game for a laugh and about as good as me at a pub quiz, we have a lot of laughs when she joins me and Katie on a night out. To my karaoke buddy, a true warrior of the waves, and someone who recognised someone who wanted to chat but didn't know how to - thank you for everything. It has been, and it will continue to be an adventure. I can't wait to see where the next 12 months take us! Keep being the beautiful, crazy, free soul I have come to love! Lady Louise and Her Intrepid Troupe Of Doogles! Lady Louise came to work for my current day job about three and a half years ago and she slipped straight into the day to day routine as if she had always been there. (She isn't really a lady but we do like to take the mick a little). One of the kindest, warmest most caring people I know, she fast became one of my very favourite people. No matter what is going on in her own life, she always seems to look after every one else first. Becoming a small team of two a while ago now, we would have been in serious trouble if we hadn't clicked, but from that first moment of being introduced, we have become firm friends. I know that no matter what, I can tell her anything and there would be no judgement and no resentment. The constant banter and in jokes between us has created an environment that the other girls regularly get a hoot out of witnessing when they are in the office. We regularly take the mick but if one of us is struggling, the funny quip's stop and the serious side kicks in with alarming speed. She is able to pick up on my mood changes before I am even aware that I am starting to have a wobble which for me is priceless. With a very similar sense of humour, we have had days, usually fueled by the occasional can of monster where we have laughed till we cried, and like the other special women in my life, she has championed my writing whilst gently kicking my arse for not starting it sooner! Between the chocolate biscuits, the laughter, the tears, the deep conversations, the confiding and the day to day running of a small business together, I have been lucky enough to find someone who supports, loves and accepts all the weirdness that comes along with being my mate. She has been a true blessing in my life and someone who I hope will continue to be part of it for many years to come. Also, between our similar taste in music and her collection of the most adorable six doogles, having her around every day plays a huge part in why I look forward to work. For the woman who was unexpected, but who has made every day a joy - thank you. Keep being you, because the gentle, giving heart I have come to love is truly what makes you so special. Last, But By No Means Least, My Beautiful Friend - Rebecca I was incredibly lucky to get the opportunity to go back to school around 13 years ago and do a degree. I had always wanted to do one but trying to prove how grown up I was when I left school had left me in a position where my only real option was work. It was three of the best years of my life, and this lady was one of those reasons. Obvs, anyone called Rebecca is naturally going to be rather fabulous, but this Rebecca was definitely something else entirely! We had a small group that we were part of at college and we did everything together. From tattoo's to studying to flying to Paris, we created some incredible memories which will remain part of some of the most special moments in my life. Our little group - the Bison's - a story for another time - was something that kept us all together throughout college, and although we have all drifted somewhat since we finished degree's, myself and Becca have continued to be part of each other's lives since. She has become so much more than a best friend to me, I look at her as a sister. Her family have become an extension of my own and I love them all dearly. They are some of my very favourite people, and although we like to spend time just the two of us, I have had some amazing times with her and the kids carving pumpkins, playing games, watching movies and collecting rocks at the beach to make runes. No matter what, she has been there by my side and I am not sure I would have made it through the last few years without her steadfast loyalty and gentle nature keeping me from crumbling completely. She has never judged anything, but instead quietly supported and encouraged me whilst being honest with me when I needed to hear certain things. For those looking in on the outside, I sometimes wonder if they question us as best mates. We are like chalk and cheese, but I think that's what makes it work. While I am walking barefoot across a field in the middle of winter, she doesn't hide in embarrassment. She understands why I do it, takes the mick mercilessly but walks with me, not worrying at all what anyone else might think. She has been everything and more and I am so grateful that I had the unbelievable good fortune of her being part of my life. So this one is for you more than anyone else Becca. Happy Galentines Day and thank you. Thank you for years of friendship, and fyi - they reckon once you hit the 7 year mark then you become family so there is no getting rid of someone. Sorry, not sorry! Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for being there to help pick up the pieces and put them back together. Thank you for never judging or walking away because I could be too much. Thank you for accepting me, barefeet and all and loving who I am inspite of the weird obsessions. Thank you for supporting my endeavours and helping me when I struggled with the most basic of things. Thank you for letting me into your family and treating me like part of it. Your kids have become some of the most special people in my life. Thank you for never being something you aren't, and for continuing to fight even when the world felt too hard to keep going. You are inspiring beyond belief and I wish you could see the incredible woman that I see who is a shining example to her kids and the other women around her. I am so unbelievably proud of you and of being your friend. Most of all, thank you for loving me. Our friendship is so important to me and I hope that we can continue to be friends until we are pushing up the daisies. After all, I need someone who will be willing to escape the care home for a Tynemouth bottomless brunch with me on occasion! I have been so lucky in my life to have had so many incredible women as friends. Some have stayed the course, others have been part of a particular period in time, but every last one of them has made a lasting impression and had an influence on the woman I have become today. To every last one of you, thank you. There isn't time to mention you all but you are all so special to me in your own ways, and I wouldn't be me without having had you in my life. Happy Galentines Day to you all! Until next time...........

Check out my latest Normedica Health Hub article and get yourself subscribed so you get them whenever there is a new one on https://normedica.co.uk/knowledge-centre-blog-health-hub/ It's Childrens Mental Health Day today, and although we speak a lot about personal mental health, one thing we haven't really looked at is how to keep our young people healthy, and how to help them when they have problems. With all of the Normedica ladies having family, we are all very much aware of our children's mental health and its something that is regularly talked about when one of us has concerns. Today's world, although very exciting in the myriad of opportunities it brings has also become a minefield for children. Whilst the introduction of the internet and mobile phones has made the world a much smaller place and allowed communication in a way that we had never experienced before, it also allows a very negative and insidious element into the lives of our children. From the pressure around body image, to the belief that becoming an influencer will pay all your bills to the darker side of the web with grooming and other dangers, it is without a doubt a double edged sword. Already experiencing the usual day to day issues that kids go through from bullying to not having the right trainers, the addition of the internet and everything that brings can not only isolate our children, but also have a huge impact on their mental health. There has been a worrying trend towards self harm and suicide rates rising within our young men and women, and the question is, what can we do to give them the best chance at developing a strong and healthy mental attitude towards everything that life will throw at them during their teen years. Balance closeness with discipline and be attuned to your child's verbal and nonverbal clues. Before you even begin, its important to cultivate a strong emotional connection with your child. They need to know from a very young age that no matter what has happened or what they have done, they can always come to you and you will help them through it. Although discipline is an important part of a child's life, any discipline should come from a place of love and understanding. Not anger. They need to be able to trust you and this is an important part of cultivating that trust. Children will also give away their mood with verbal and non verbal clues. Being in tune with your child allows you to be able to pick up when something is not right and whilst they may not want to talk about it immediately, knowing that you have picked up on it and will be there when they can is a massive thing. Make sure there is structure and routine in place for them As a bunch of exhausted mum's, (some of us with much older kids so we do know how hard it can be, I promise), this one is so important. Your child's mental health, (and yours) relies heavily on there being a routine in place that makes sure they are where they need to be at the time they need to be there. Whether it be getting up on a morning or going to bed on a night time, not having anything in place to regulate the day leaves children confused as to what is going on. This can lead to bad behaviour which can lead to frustration, and potentially put the whole day out of whack. Its also very important that they understand a huge part of life is routine. The earlier they get their head around this, the better for them as they will find it much easier to adapt where it is needed. Making healthy choices Whilst we would never begrudge a Greggs sausage roll or a bag of pickled onion crisps, your child's body needs to be looked after in the right way. Plenty of water, fresh food, exercise and fresh air are vital not only to their physical health but also their mental health. Getting outside and running around, even when its rubbish out there will not only help to burn that boundless energy they all seem to have, but will also release dopamine into their brain which keeps them laughing, smiling and happy. What does a happy child mean.... Happy, relaxed parents! Allow them to experience distress and failure with support Unfortunately, we learn very early in life that there will always be disappointments. Whatever the cause may be, this is something that needs to be learned young and in the right way. Being able to win and lose graciously is a very important life skill and can make a huge difference in how people respond as they get older - all of which can impact massively on mental health. If the situation arises where they are experiencing a loss, especially familial, learning how to navigate that loss in the right way will give them the best tools as they grow when further losses arise. As a parent, everything in your instincts screams to protect them from situations that will upset them but the reality is, this may be the worst thing you can do. Life can be brutal, and supporting them through the difficult times whilst allowing them to experience them can be the difference between being able to cope with difficulties healthily when they become an adult or not. Encourage creativity and independent play This one may seem counter intuitive, but the reality is that independent play is really good for children. You cannot realistically be everything all the time and it's absolutely okay to encourage your child to entertain themselves sometimes. Whilst there is nothing wrong with the telly or an i-pad on occasion, what we mean by this is letting them be bored. It has been proven that this helps to encourage creativity and independence and it's important that they understand that although you will be there as much as possible, you cannot play all the time. The ability to play and create dialogues within themselves is a huge part of self development and growth. Whether its putting them at the table with crafty bits to create the next fabulous fridge picture or giving them a range of different figures to play with, this time is their time to experiment and learn without the restrictions placed on play by the adults in their lives. Encouraging healthy connections Although we have always known how important socialising is for children, lockdown was a prime example of why. For the first time on a vast scale, we saw just how much of an impact not being able to play and socialise with other children has on young minds. From struggling with basic play to difficulty with speech skills to an understanding of how to treat other children around them, that period of time had an incredibly damaging effect which we will continue to see more and more of as time goes on. Although those children are moving through their initial developmental issues, there is still a way to go for many of them. Healthy connections both with children their own age, older kids and adults is more than just play. It helps to develop a whole host of personality traits that will carry them through into adulthood, allow them to be able to play and work alongside others, maintain and understand healthy friendships and relationships and understand and adapt to cultural and societal norms. The benefits are endless. Whilst we would always suggest you encourage independent thinking and being yourself, being able to be comfortable within different social settings plays a huge part in mental health. Setting your children up well from the start with good friends is a massive part of that. As parents, we all want the best for our children and we all work hard to try and ensure that happens but sometimes, things do go wrong. Where do you go when your child is struggling and you don't know how to help? We have put a list of links below for you of people that you can talk to for advice on how to help your child when they are struggling. Being a parent is bloody hard work and its the one thing you don't get trained for. There is never any shame in asking for help. After all, they say it takes a village to raise a family, and in our experience, this couldn't be more true. Promoting mental health and wellbeing | NSPCC Learning https://www.thecalmzone.net/ https://www.childline.org.uk/ https://www.familylives.org.uk/ https://youngminds.org.uk/ Mental health support for young people | The Children's Society

For those of you who have followed the blog from its conception 14 months ago, you will have heard me mention my little naked man and promising I would spill, but to date, I have not yet. Today is that day so buckle up musers. It's going to get bumpy! (In the blog today, all identities have been changed for privacy reasons, although they would most likely have absolutely no relevance to any of you. I just always wanted to say that). Everything in here however is true, and I promise, every bit of it serves a purpose. You have all been part of my journey and stuck with me after leaving the relationship that I was in, and you have laughed with me at some of the experiences that arose afterward. My little naked man however was what gave me the opportunity to begin to let everything go and really start my life again. Get comfy musers because this one is a bit of a read! So, where do I begin? How often can one person be told how useless they are before they began to believe it is true? That had become my very existence and in doing so, it had completely destroyed me to the point of no longer knowing who I was or what I was. How many times could I be told I was damaged, broken, disgusting, needy, pathetic, and worthless? How often could I be lifted to great heights and then thrown from them to crash onto brutally sharp rocks miles below, not being given time to heal before the onslaught of compliments and love began again, leaving me in a whirlpool of love and hate that never ended – a psychological state of complete confusion that would never change because the time had never been given to see clearly what was going on.   How often could the threat of violence be hung over my head? After the first time that he had lashed out, blacking my eye and bruising my body, the fear spiralling around me had become constant, growing and gathering strength like a rock rolling down a slope with no chance of stopping. I could not remember a time when I had not lived on a knife edge. A time when I could sit, relax, and enjoy just being in the moment and not have to try and anticipate what was coming.   Even in the days of silence when he would lock himself in a room and ignore everyone, the abuse would continue, becoming increasingly more insidious with him attacking me without even needing me to see his face. His aim was that of an Olympian athlete – direct, precise, emotionless – its only purpose to strike its target with the force of a thousand arrows, declaring itself the champion with no concern for the collateral damage left behind.   The silence would be as terrifying as the noise. At any moment it could explode into barbed and vicious insults and attacks that weakened my already cracked and broken heart. Even on the days when no words were spoken, the attacks came in waves via messages that became imprinted on my soul. Constant bombardment over social media, it would have been so easy to block, but sharing a home with him and knowing how quickly and severely things could decline meant I never dared to.   The thing was, as quickly as it began, it would be over. The apologies would begin, and he would want me around him. He would tell me he loved me, that I was his world and that nothing he said was true. He would serenade and demand my attention for as long as it took to make him feel good again.   In these moments, although I could breathe again, the anxiety hung around - a confusion of emotion and dread inside because I knew this could not last, but for as long as it did, I would make the most of it.   I always knew the fallout would come quickly, and with each little warning sign I prepared for it like a storm chaser readying themself to enter the eye of the storm. I would agree to anything that would keep the peace because I did not know how else to survive. I was not just one person. I had children to protect, and although at that moment I could not see a way through, I was surviving until I could figure it out in whatever form that survival took.   Sometimes survival would be drinking with him. When I did, it made him happy because he was not drinking alone. Justifying his addiction through my unwilling participation, he would dance, sing, and laugh, and for just a single second I could close my eyes and pretend that he was the man I thought he was when I fell in love, and not the drunken, abusive demon that haunted my waking hours.   Other times survival would be sex - never looking at me, always from behind where he did not have to see my eyes boring into his, telling him everything he needed to know if he would only listen.   He did not care to see the pain that radiated out from my soul, screaming at him in silent waves of despair, shouting at him that his touch made me feel sick. Even if he had taken the time to look, he would never have cared enough to stop. His need was all consuming.  He did not want to know that the feel of his breath on my back me made me want to claw my skin off so I would no longer be able to feel his warm, wet heat, and that the feel of him inside me filled me with such self- loathing and despair that I fantasised that death would come for him and remove him from my existence. I did not care how, just that it would take him, as it seemed in those moments that death would be my only way out.   Sex became a means to an end for me. A way of satiating the demon for just a little bit longer in the hope that it would sleep long enough for me to find my way out of this maze and away from the beast that roamed its halls, destroying everything in its wake.  The very idea that his fumbling, grabbing hands could be so uniquely and utterly repulsive to me had never entered his mind. It would never occur to him that he was anything but 'The King' that he proclaimed to be to anyone who would listen to his drunken, sociopathic ramblings.   Every moment of those years constantly invaded my thoughts like a bullet train, racing through my mind, insisting that I was a fool to think that life could be anything other than the cold, calculating, narcissistic sociopath that I had fought with everything in me to escape.   I was a shell of the woman I had been a mere 8 years prior when I fell for his charm. I had defended a broken existence vehemently to anyone who would listen because I did not know how else to live, and deep inside me, I genuinely believed that this was all I deserved. I had been so embroiled in everything that I could not see a better future and because of that, many wonderful years of living were lost, and I was left picking up my broken pieces with no real idea of how to put them back together, or if I would ever be able to. The only thing that I knew for a certainty was that if I could, I would never be the same again.   The good news - I got out. I didn't need someone to save me, but the anger was palpable and toxic and I needed to find a way out of it before it destroyed me and everyone around me that I cared about. It meant learning to love myself again and fixing my damaged, broken heart by gently picking up the shattered pieces and putting them back together. I was beginning to understand that I was worth loving, but also still trying to believe that no matter what I had experienced, I could get through it and come out the other side. I could not allow myself to feel worthless or broken anymore, but letting the anger go was harder than I could have ever imagined. That was where my little naked man came in. The ladies in my life at that time, several of whom are still part of my life and who were an integral part of my survival will tell you - I was awful. I was like a caged animal who would attack anyone that came near it, even those who were trying to help because I couldn't bring myself to trust that there wasn't an ulterior motive to them wanting to help. I couldn't comprehend that these were just good people who were utterly distressed at the pain I was in and I snapped back, over and over and over. My life was falling apart around me and the reality was, I didn't know where to begin to fix it. I just knew that I felt like the walls were closing in around me, and the way I was had begun to scare me because I couldn't trust how I would react to anything. The time had come to face it all head on and deal with it, because if I didn't, I knew it would destroy me. I hadn't come this far to let the bitterness, hurt and anger dictate my future, and I would be damned if the abuse he had inflicted would seep any further into my life. I made the decision to go away to the Lake District for the weekend on my own and find myself walking out in the hills. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have ever made! It was very much a last minute booking, and after a little flick through AirBnB, I found the most beautiful house around a mile outside of Kendal. Between the fields surrounding it, the donkeys and geese in the front garden, and the ivy growing up the walls, it looked like something from Harry Potter. I immediately booked it and began to prepare for my trip. Just a couple of weeks later, I boarded the train at Newcastle, and my epic adventure began! I arrived into Kendal not long after lunch and being a tad peckish, decided to stop at a pub for a sandwich and a glass of wine. Sat in the sun reading my book, I could not have felt more relaxed than I did at that moment. It was beautiful. The town was quiet, the beer garden looked out onto the hills behind and the sun was beating down. I sat for a good couple of hours with my book and just took in the scenery, the fresh air and being in an unfamiliar place that held no bad memories or residual echoes. As the afternoon wore on, I decided it was time to head up to where I was staying, and rather than walk until I got my bearings, I figured the best idea would be a taxi. 5 minutes later we were pulling into the drive of a house right on the crest of a hill overlooking the whole valley and town. The view was stunning, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I finally allowed myself to really breathe, and boy, was that first breath intoxicating. My little naked man, (he had clothes on at this point), appeared at the door and introduced himself. He was an older gentleman, around 70, and he ushered me into the house, warmly letting me know that it was going to be a beautiful weekend weather wise and I would be able to really enjoy whatever I had planned. On entering the house, I was a little bit taken aback. He was clearly a lover of art, and the house was filled with some of the most beautiful lithographs, sculptures and paintings. The stairs had a towering stainglass window halfway up, and as the sun shone through it, the colours were dancing across the landing lighting up every step I took. Heading into my room, he took me through everything and then left me to get settled. For those of you who know me personally, you know I can be a little bit witchy so obvs, the first port of call was to dump the bags and head up the hill to the side of the house, barefoot of course. I stood at the brow of the hill looking over the land below me, feeling the grass beneath my bare feet and soaking up the energy flowing underneath the surface. It was invigorating. After a short while, I headed back to the house and got ready to go out for a bite to eat in the town. Over the last couple of years, what I have discovered, as a woman who has no issues with being in a strange place alone is that a lot of people are not comfortable with that. I decided to stop and have a glass of wine in a pub before I ate, and as I usually do, I sat just enjoying the atmosphere around me. People were laughing and chatting and as more people came through the door, the groups began to grow. Although I was happy just to sit on the sidelines and watch, within 10 minutes of sitting down, a curious collie had come over to say hello and insisted on a stroke. From there, his mum and dad joined me and before I knew it, I was sat with a group of people I had been quietly observing only moments before and chatting as if we had known each other for years! I had a fantastic couple of hours, but time was ticking on, so after grabbing some takeaway, totally not the original plan, I walked the mile back to the house. This was the moment it all got delightfully weird. Stay with me musers - the next bit - not so great, but what comes was lifechanging! I walked onto the drive to see my little naked man peeing in his bushes. Let me clarify, he had clothes on, but for whatever reason, he felt outdoors was the most suitable place to pee. You would think that would be hugely embarrassing for him but actually, he just took it all in his stride. As I walked into the house, he mentioned that he always had a drink in the 'drawing room' at 9pm, and I was more than welcome to join him if I would like to. At that specific moment, I had a little wobble. It suddenly occurred to me that I was a mile or so away from any other houses with a man I knew nothing about that I had just caught peeing in the garden. I went up to my room and locked the door in a little bit of a blind panic - completely unnecessary - but for a second I began to question the sanity of the whole decision. Once I 'gave my head a wobble' as my gorgeous bestie likes to say, I realised that I was being ridiculous, and it would be extremely ungracious not to go down and sit with him for even just half an hour. Three hours later and several bottles of red wine, we were still there talking. He was the most eloquent and interesting individual. He had lived several lives in his 70 years and I could have honestly listened to him for hours. Between the conversations about family and his childhood, we got onto the subject of how he lived and he very openly talked about his relationship with a lady that lived in the town. Although it wasn't serious, it was exclusive, and the two of them would see each other a couple of times a week. She would come to see him on a Saturday and he would be with her on a Wednesday. Very civil! We also got to talking about his naturism and how it was something that he had gotten into a little later in life. At this point I must confess musers, I was a tad tiddly. I recall a comment I made somewhere along the lines of - It wouldn't necessarily be for me but each to their own. I have no issue with it at all! And that my friends, that is where it all began! I got up the next morning way fresher than I deserved to be and got ready to head into the town. I had spotted somewhere for breakfast that looked amazing, so the plan was to eat and then hike. As I walked out the front door, I stopped still and tried not to show my complete surprise. There, trimming the bushes at the front of the drive completely naked was my little naked man. Now, let me just confirm to you - there were no tan lines so this was not a one off. His body was completely tanned all over! I have to say, I actually really impressed myself with how cool, calm and collected I was until I was far enough away to start giggling and ringing everyone I could think of! Of course, everybody's first reaction was get out of there, but honestly, I trust my instincts with people, and he is still one of the nicest people I have ever met. I wouldn't think twice about going back. Thats how comfortable I felt there. I headed into the town and had the most amazing breakfast, and then headed off for a hike to find somewhere to scream into the abyss and try and get rid of the residual anger that was creating such a toxic environment in my body. It seemed almost as if the universe was in tune with me that day. The sun was shining. The sky was blue. The birds were singing and there were flowers everywhere. As I walked up to the peak, I said hello to other hikers and stopped to enjoy the incredible scenery and spaces that had opened up around me. At the top though, everything changed. I knew I needed time. Time without anyone around to let everything go. Time to be angry and sad and to laugh, cry and purge everything that was left inside me that was stopping me from moving forward. At the top, there was a rock shaped almost like a seat. Coincidence some would say. I would call it serendipity. I sat down and before I could stop it, the tears began to flow. I sobbed for what seemed like forever, my body quivering and shaking. They weren't tears brought on by losing someone, but by losing everything I was during the previous years. I was grieving my loss of confidence, hopes and dreams. My loss of self-respect and my inability to feel safe anywhere with anyone. My anger at allowing myself to be in that situation but also forgiveness for making that mistake. They were the state of anxiety and desperation that I had survived in for such a long time and was finally beginning to let go. They were my fear that love wasn't real and that I would be alone for the rest of my life, too scared to step back into an intimate relationship because of my experience. (Spoiler alert... I was okay and actually loved the time I spent alone after this once I learned that it was perfectly okay to have fun and do stuff by yourself. Some of my best memories were made on my own!) As the tears began to dry up, I looked out at the world spread out in front of me. A butterfly was flying between the flowers and other than a gentle breeze, the world was quiet in a way that I had never felt before. The quietness was almost tangible, as if the universe had wrapped me in her embrace for just a short while and during that time, nobody else existed but me. It was a stark reminder of who I was, and a gentle scolding to remind me that within my DNA lies stardust, and my potential is limitless if I just step back up, dust myself off and try again. I needed to remember who that little girl was I had been so long ago, and focus on the things that I had wanted before life took me over and blocked out all of my hopes and dreams. I sat for a while, undisturbed, breathing in the fresh air and feeling the sun immerse me in it's warmth. As I sat, I felt everything begin to disappear and a new energy began to slowly move through my core. The heaviness I had felt for so long was beginning to lift, and as it did, I began to notice a change in where I was. The birds and breeze all of a sudden seemed louder. The bubble I had felt myself cocooned in was disappearing, and it was almost as if I was waking up from a long sleep and seeing the world with fresh eyes for the first time in a long time. I looked at my phone only to discover that I had been there for just over an hour, completely undisturbed. As I got up to start back, I bumped into two walkers who were headed up to the top of the hill. It felt as if that period of time had been protected just for me so that I could really begin to heal and start my journey again in the right frame of mind. As I headed across the hills, I felt incredibly blessed and incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to do this. I still don't really understand what happened on the top of that hill that day, but for me it was lifechanging. Anyhoo, serious stuff over now, lets get back to the man who continues to be naked! I headed back to the house taking a little bit of a detour on the way back and unfortunately giving some middle aged golfers a bit of a fright when I popped up behind them. As I got there, I noticed there was a car I didn't recognise in the drive, and it quickly occurred to me that this must belong to the elusive friend who he saw on a Wednesday and a Saturday. I sneaked up to my room hoping not to disturb them, and got myself ready to go out for dinner at a restaurant that I had booked for the night. Now, at this point I need to explain the layout of my room to you so you can fully picture what happened next! The room I had sat at the front of the house and leant itself to the most beautiful of views. It had huge, tall bay windows, and in the window sat an armchair which was perfect for sitting with a coffee or a glass of something and just enjoying the view. Now, to the left of my window was a large balcony area, big enough to fit a table and chairs and a couple of sun loungers. Up to this point I hadn't seen anything other than the odd grey squirrel scuttle across it, but as I am sure you can imagine, my room afforded me a view over the entire area. I suspect you may know where I am going with this.... As I pulled open the curtains to get ready to leave, I looked out the window and was greeted with something I had never seen before. Sprawled out and completely starkers on a lounger was my little naked man with a magazine. But musers, it gets better. Standing right next to my side of the balcony, in full view and glorious techicolour was my little man's very special friend - also completely naked. To top it off, she was flipping burgers on a small BBQ. I looked in horror as she bent over, her nipples almost touching the grill, desperately wanting to yell at her to stand up straight before anything got cooked that shouldn't be! In my panic, I managed to knock over the glass of prosecco that I had on the table next to the window, but even that wasn't enough to catch their attention. I assume however that everything was okay because when I got back that night after the most incredible meal, both cars were still in the drive and there were no signs of an ambulance. Phew! On to me leaving, and I managed another peek at my little naked man as I was leaving to head home on the Sunday as he strolled with pride down the sweeping stairs in the middle of his hallway. I am guessing his evening had gone well. (Insert winky face here) The train journey home was a combination of serious reflection about what had happened interspersed with giggling fits over naked men and burnt nipples. The thing is though musers, this became one of the most important weekends of the last few years for me - a time that I not only learned a lot about me, but I truly began to understand what it means when people say - 'It's not the destination but the journey that's important.' My little naked man, this is what he will fondly be known as forever now, taught me a huge lesson. This was a man who had worked hard his entire life to the point where he had lost two marriages because he wasn't present. At the conclusion of his second marriage, he had realised that something had to change or he would end up in an early grave. He had already lost too much. He began to focus on himself and embracing the things that made him feel whole and happy and as a result, he became not only a better person for those around him, but he began to learn to love himself again - something I think many of us struggle with in today's world. All it took was recognising that the journey was what was important. Every single little experience life threw at him needed to be embraced and enjoyed and treated as a learning experience. Where he ended up was actually a moot point because he would eventually pass on and everything that he physically was would become worm food. I know, not the most romantic way to look at it, but that is the way it goes. His energy, core, soul, however you want to refer to it - the element within that made him who he was would become part of the wider universe, and all those experiences would travel with him to wherever we go when we move on. He was truly living his best life, and up to that point, I was barely living. Its a hard reality to swallow when life isn't what you pictured as a child. I think there are very few people who haven't experienced bitter disappointment with something as an adult. Do you want to know my advice? Be a little naked man. Throw off everything that drags you down and look inside for that little child who saw the world as an ocean of possibility. Instead of saying no, say yes to everything you can. Experience as much of life as you are able to, even down to the littlest of things because within them, you can have some truly incredible experiences. Forget about your destination because that is always going to change dependant on your world at that moment, and start to really embrace the journey because that is where excitement, change and possibility truly lies. I promise you, you will not regret it. Until next time...........