How Lucky I Am To Have Something That Makes Saying Goodbye So Hard...

(Winnie the Pooh - A.A Milne)

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This wasn't what this weeks blog was going to cover but if you haven't already picked up on it, I write what I feel and grief is something that we don't tend to talk about, and in reality, death is one of the only certainties in life.

The thing is musers, no matter who you are, grief will enter your life, and with it comes change.

Huge change that will catapult you from where you are to somewhere completely foreign.

Its an incredibly personal experience that changes not only your outlook on life but who you are fundamentally, as long as you allow yourself to work through the process and feel everything that comes with the loss of a loved one.

The reason this has come to the forefront for me is because of that incredible woman in the picture above.

That is Hannah Hazel Parish, my grandma, and I was, and still am incredibly blessed to have had her in my life for every one of my 46 years.

She was an inspiring woman who fought her whole life for the things she believed in. No matter what they were or how much of an upward struggle there would be, she would be the first to arrive to challenge the establishment, demanding change for the people who lived around her, and refusing to back down till those needs were met.

I think she put most of her grandchildren up at one point or another, myself included and she was a huge support when I was kicked out at 17, (well deserved and a whole other story).

She gave me somewhere to stay and helped me get my own place.

Her first love was animals and if I'm honest, I think the reality was that she loved animals more than people. She had a gentle heart and although outspoken and exceptionally sassy, (now we know where I get it from), she would give you the coat off her back if she thought it would help you.

On the 24th June, she finally closed her eyes for the last time and fell asleep - leaving behind a legacy that will live on in every one of her incredible children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.

As much as she will be missed, this blog isn't really about her, although she is the inspiration behind it.

For those of you have had to deal with loss at one time or another, you will know well the emotional rollercoaster that comes along with it.

For me, although we have known this was coming for a long time and we all had time to say our goodbyes, it still came as a shock when that call came through to let me know she had gone and it got me to thinking, how do we move forward when someone we love moves on and we are left behind to piece our lives back together?

There is an element of fear that arrives with the loss of a loved one. I don't think it matters who you are. All of a sudden, you are reminded that physical life is temporary. That for every one of us, no matter how young or old, there will come a moment where life as we understand it ends and a new reality begins. Whatever your belief system, the idea of that ending is not only terrifying but also incredibly emotional because no matter how prepared you are, there is never a time when you are truly ready to say goodbye.

I think one of the hardest things I have found is that all of a sudden, I see everyone as they are. I know that won't last, but wandering through that reality brings about a whole new reality and a lifting of the veil, or as some would say, a removal of the rose tinted glasses.

I look at my parents, the two people who have been my strength, my guide, my confidante, my comfort and my greatest example of how love should be, and the reality hits. They are no longer those people I always see when I think about them.

Although inside they are still young, vibrant, enthusiastic and passionate, their bodies are slowing them down now.

They aren't able to scale the journey of life in the way they could as I grew up, and the scary thing is, they are more accepting of that fact than I am. They are more ready for the beginning of a new journey into a reality that none of us know than I think I will ever be.

Even the thought of them dying is devastating and incomprehensible, yet they talk about it in such a matter of fact manner because they are beginning to accept that although they could still have years left, they are now in their twilight years and their time on this plane is coming to an end.

The reality of losing my grandma has in essence reminded me that those people around me who never age, are in fact aging and unfortunately, that includes me.

When grief hits, there is no going back. There is no burying your head under a blanket or pretending that it hasn't happened.

Grief, in all its forms will change you intimately. It will tear away a piece of your soul that will never completely heal, but over time will become easier to handle.

Those memories that cause such pain because they are a stark reminder of what you have lost will become gentler until the moment where you are able to smile and remember moments with fondness rather than hurt.

For those with a spiritual belief like myself, it becomes a comfort. An understanding that the universe has taken that energy because its physical restraints were no longer strong enough to house it, and has transferred it into something more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

Its a belief that what we truly are inside, the essence of being is not flesh and bones but spirit and soul. Love, energy, eons of life, experience and existence that span the whole of time are all collected into that one being, and although the physical is lost, the spirit will never die, continuing to flow and ebb throughout the expanse of the universe, creating, sharing and enveloping everything that this journey has to offer.

Death is pain for those who are left behind, but for those who experience it, it is a doorway into a new existence.

How do we manage it?

We allow ourselves to cry, to laugh, to feel every emotion connected to the loss of that person. We talk to the people that loved them sharing stories and experiences and learning things that we maybe never knew.

We keep a small part of our heart especially for them, protecting those intimate moments that we shared and we cherish the lessons that we learnt from them because no matter what, their very presence in our lives was lifechanging. We continue to love them even though they are no longer with us and most importantly, we say goodbye.

We wish them well on their journey and we send them soaring with love, hope and faith that wherever it takes them, they will be happy, fulfilled and know that for the short time they were on this earth, they were everything and more and that their lives touched us all in a way we will never forget and forever treasure.

Until next time.............