Everyday I Wake Up Sexy, Even When I Don't!

Exhibit 1: No animals were harmed in the taking of this picture!

You may be wondering - what the hell Rebecca - but trust me when I tell you, there is method in the madness and it all starts in the old grey matter.

This picture was taken by the lovely Mr, although had I known he took it, I may not be using that word to describe him! I am guessing there may have been a night or an afternoon out involved which definitely means alcohol, and as he can attest to, if I am warm and comfy, I will crash anywhere.

Trust me when I tell you, it is a skill sought by many but mastered by only a few.

I am indeed one of those Masters.

The training was long and there were times I did not expect to ever see success, but now I have the uncanny ability to fall asleep wherever I am. On numerous occasions this has been midway through a conversation although I do believe, the crowning moment was the night I fell asleep in the pub with my head against the speaker while the DJ was playing. That was good, even by my standards!

Anyhoo, I digress...

I have spent a lot of my life very insecure with who I was. A lot of that insecurity stemmed from a need for perfection in everything that I did and although I understand that I am imperfectly perfect, (who wants perfection anyway!), it has taken a long time to realise that actually, my only competition should only have ever been myself.

This year I turned 47. I know, how do I still manage to look so fabulous you ask! (Insert winky face here!). Its a trade secret but seeing as you have taken the time to read my utter rantings, I shall let you in to the secret.

I don't drink anywhere near enough water. As shown in exhibit 1 - I rarely take my makeup off before bed, especially when I am a tad tiddly.

I drink about 12 cups of coffee a day so my brain is constantly wired.

When its not coffee, its wine or Monster.

I have a penchant for the occasional bag of tangfastics and I can absolutely eat a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting!

In reality, I do everything I shouldn't do and there was a time that the photo above would have never seen the light of day. Had I been able to, just a couple of years ago it would have been deleted, never to be seen again!

I suppose the big question is whats changed? How do I manage to wake up so super sexy, even when I don't?!

I have always been quite open about previous relationships on the blog and the abuse that became a normal part of everyday life for nearly 7 years.

It hit the point somewhere in the middle of it where it just 'was', and there was never any question as to the validity of what I was being told when his good mood turned to bad.

From being called a pathetic cunt and a clown of a woman to being blamed for him being an alcoholic, the abuse had a massive impact on already massively low confidence levels.

It destroyed who I was to the point where I no longer recognised myself, my life and the choices I was making. I questioned absolutely everything, I couldn't think straight most of the time and I lived in a state of almost constant high alert because I never knew what to expect when I came home from wherever I had been. The panic and anxiety was palpable and insidious - seeping into every second of my life, both sleeping and awake.

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger staring back at me. My opinions were his beecause it was safer than disagreeing. My body was used when he wanted to because it was easier than saying no.

Until you have been in that situation, its almost impossible to understand.

Maybe it was karma teaching me a lesson. I was very vocal about the fact that if people being abused wanted to leave, they could. I didn't accept that it was never as simple as that until I had no choice because I was living it day in and day out. It becomes your normal to the point that the thought of living outside of it is scary because at least with this, you know what to expect.

When someone destroys you so completely, building up enough courage to walk away is almost impossible.

The good news is I got out! Obvs.....

One day, maybe I will tell my story in the hope that it might help someone else to get out before they lose as much time as I did, but that's not what this is all about.

I was more lost than I could have ever imagined when things ended. I didn't know how to navigate life. I didn't know how to be happy and I was so incapable of controlling the constant panic of bumping into him, that on the one occasion I did, I went to a party, drank a whole bottle of gin and ended up spending the night throwing up.

I woke up the next morning in a bedroom with unicorns on the walls and absolutely no idea where I was.

My hair, (bob length hair musers), had two bobbles in the top which had been put in by my best friends daughter Amy-Leigh to keep my hair out of my face while I was vomiting.

I think that might have been rock bottom for me.

I thought I was coping, but I clearly wasn't. Just seeing him had sent my anxiety levels soaring to the point that a 14 year old girl was helping her mum hold my hair back.

To say I felt shame was an understatement, but it was choice time.

I either continued to fall, or I picked myself up and demanded better not just for myself, but for my children and my family and my friends who had stood by me through everything.

This turned into a trip away to the Lakes, hiking up to the top of a large hill and screaming into the abyss until all the anger and pain was gone.

I cried, I screamed, I wrote and then I lay in the grass and soaked up the warmth of the sun and listened to the birds singing. The universe was watching out for me because not one person was around for the hour I was up there. It wasn't until I started back down that I began to pass people.

It saved my life.

My children had saved it before on more than one occasion, but now it was my turn to step up and take it back.

I also got to meet my little naked man but that is a story for another day!

Anyway, to say I arrived home a whole new person would be a lie, but what I did arrive home with was an acceptance of what had happened, and the fact that I couln't change it. I could only learn from it. I came home with an understanding of just how precious my life was and that I needed to focus on being happy and that happiness had to come from within me.

That weekend, I forgave everything that had been done to me but I didn't do it for him. I did it for me because cradling everything inside me was like slowly sipping poison. It was destroying me and meant that even without him there, he was still controlling every aspect of my life.

I left him on that hill top.

To this day he remains there in amongst the whisper of the wind through the grass and the beautiful wild flowers.

Where am I going with this you ask?

Coming home from that weekend became a new start for me. A change in attitude, a chance to start again and really get to know me, and a chance to rebuild a life that was bigger, better and a life I would want to live.

The last few years have been exactly that. I focussed on me for a while. I began to learn what I needed, who I was and what I wanted.

Becoming unaplogetically me gave me the confidence to start pursuing things that I wanted to do.

I started to write, although it took some very special people to give me a kick to make it formal!

Before that it was just for me. Maybe that would have been better but I am afraid you are stuck with me now.

Sorry, not sorry!!

I began to remove the people from my life that were not enriching it and instead were draining my energy and I filled my time with things I enjoyed.

I stopped doing the things I no longer had a love for.

I started to wear what I wanted. I had my hair cut and dyed red - something I was never allowed to do because he did not like short hair.

I dug deep and fought hard to begin to love myself again because if I wasn't able to do that then I was no good for the people around me that I loved and who needed me.

Throughout this, and still today, my support network stood strong and helped where it was needed. They were there when I couldn't see how to move forward and stepped away when I needed space.

Yes, this was, and still can be a lonely journey at times, but I couldn't have done it without them.

So, we come full circle to today and that bloody lovely picture!

That picture appeared on my facebook timeline on my birthday along with several other pictures with a really lovely birthday message from the Mr.

Just a couple of years ago, it would have left me completely mortified, but now, everything is different.

Now, I see someone totally different when I look in the mirror.

Now I see someone who deserves the world, (but also understands you have work for it!).

Now I see someone who knows how to be completely content and happy on her own. Instead of looking to someone else for her happiness, she is already happy.

Now I see someone who understands her value, who demands better not just from others but from herself, and who is excited about all the amazing possibilities that the future brings.

Now I have someone in my life who looks at me and even in a grey oodie with my face squished on a cushion and my makeup all over, he see's someone beautiful.

Don't get me wrong - there are still bad days. The anxiety is always there waiting to pull me down but I am strong enough to stop it now.

For the first time in maybe forever, I learned to love me because I am actually pretty bloody fabulous!

Seeing that picture on facebook for the world to see stopped me in my tracks because suddenly it dawned on me that I don't sweat this stuff anymore. I am over that part of my life and I love me enough to laugh at the warts and all rather than hide away.

Its a journey that takes a lifetime and you will always be learning and growing, but to heal and become who you are destined to be means you have to hurt.

Just like they say on the Neverending Story, (you 80's kids will know this one)....

Never a truer word spoken.

If you can face it head on and push through it, I promise you that the other side is the most amazing place to be and the possibilities are endless!

Pick your mantra. Say it every morning at least three times. I promise, things will change. You just have to let the universe weave its magic and have faith that if you put the hard work in, you will grow in the way that you were supposed to.

Until next time...............